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AMES' SERIES OF 

TANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 



No. 248. 



CAPTURED ; 



OR, THE- 



Old Maid's Triumph. 



( COMEDY. ) 



WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF 
THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND 
THE WHOI-K OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLY MARK- 
ED FROM THE MOST APPROVED ACT- 
ING COPY. 



PRICE 15 CENTS. 



i^ 



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No goods sent C. 0. D. Payment TITT'^T acoompaiy all ori3r<;. 



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ALPHABETICAL LIST DP 

^niBS^ Edition nf Pi 



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ays, 



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UK) 
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89 
113 
226 
14 
160 
161 
60 
152 
173 
U3 
176 
162 
117 



141 
2i5 
191 
194 

3 

9 
46 

227 

211 

163 
91 
36 
34 

229 

81 
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196 
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79 
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67 
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DRAMAS. 

A Desperate (Jame 3 

After Ten Years 7 

A Life's Revenge 7 

Arrali de Baugh 7 

Aurora Floyd 7 

Auld Robin Gray 25c 13 

Beauty of Ijyons 11 

Bill Detrick 7 

Brae, the Poor House Girl.... 4 

Brigands of Calabiiy 6 

Conu; or, Love's Victory 11 

Dora 5 

Driven to the Wall 10 

Driven from Home 7 

East Lynne 8 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 

Factory Girl 6 

Fielding Manor 9 

Hai Hazard, 2oc 10 

licroie Dutcliman of '76 8 

Henrv Granden 11 

How He Did It 3 

Ilidd' n Treasures 4 

Hunter of the Alps 9 

Hidden Hand 15 

Liglits and Shadows of the 

Groat Rebellion, 25c 10 

Lady of Lyons 12 

Ladv Aud ley's Secret 6 

Man and Wife 12 

Maud's Peril 5 

Midnight Mi.«take 6 

Miriam's Crime 5 

Michael Erie 8 

Miller of Derwent Water 5 

Mistletoe Bough 7 

Mountebanks (The) 6 

Old Honesty „ 5 

Old Phil's Birthday 5 

Outcast's Wife 12 

Out on the World 5 

Oath Bound 6 

Painter of Ghent 5 

Poacher's Doom 8 

Reverses 12 

Rock Allen 5 

Spv of Atlanta, 25c 14 

Thekla 9 

The False Friend 6 

The Fatal lilow 7 

The Forty-Niners 10 

'Ibe OonHrman in Black 9 

The New Magdalen 8 

The K ward of Crime 5 

Through Snow and Sunshine 6 

The Vow of the Ornani 7 

Ticket of Leave Man 9 

Toodles .7 

Uncle Tom's Cabin i5 

Will-o'-the-VViup 9 



NO. M. P. 

41 Won at Last 7 3 

192 Zion 7 4 

TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 

73 At La^t 7 1 

75 Adrift 5 4 

187 Ann' Dinah's Pled;;e .-.. 6 .'I 

202 Drunkard [The] 13 5 

IS.) Druiik.ir 's \\ai-ning 6 3 

189 Drunkard's Doom 15 5 

181 Fiftei II Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 13 4 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 3 

104 Lost 6 2 

146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 

53 Out in the .Streets „... (i 4 

51 Re^c•ued 5 3 

59 Saved 2 3 

102 Turn of the Tide 7 4 

6! Three Gla>scs a Day 4 2 

62 Ten Nights in a Bai-Room... 7 3 

58 Wreckid 9 3 

COMEIIES. 

168 A Ple.Msure Trip 7 3 

136 A Legal Holiday 5 3 

124 An Afflicted Family 7 5 

178 Caste 5 3 

199 Home 4 3 

174 Love's Labor Not Lost. 3 3 

149 New Years in N. Y 7 6 

37 Not So Bad After All 6 5 

237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 

126 Our Daughters 8 6 

114 Passions 8 4 

219 Rags and Bottles 4 1 

221 Solon Shingle 14 2 

87 The Biter Bit 3 2 

TRAGEDIES. 

16 The Serf 6 3 

FARCES AND COMEDIETTAS. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 

132 Actor aud Servant 1 1 

12 A Capital Match 3 2 

166 A Te.xan Mother-in-Law 4 6 

30 A Day Well Spent 7 5 

169 A Regular Fix 2 4 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 

78 An Awfi.l Criminal 3 3 

65 An Unwelcome Return 3 1 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 

21 A Romantic Attachment 3 3 

12; A Thril-ling Item 3 1 

20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 

175 Betsey Baker 2 2 

8 Better Half 5 2 

86 Black vs. White 4 2 

22 Captain Smith '3 3 

84 Cheek AVill Win "3 

225 Cupi s Capers 4 4 

49 Der Two Surprises 1 1 



CilPTUHEn ; 

OE, THE 

urn Maid's Triumpli, 

A COMEDY, 

IN FOUR ACTS, 
WM. L. BECK, Esq. 



■V 



^' 



TO WHICH IS ADDED — — 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS- 
ENTRANCES AND EXITS-RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



Enlered accordino (o act of Congress in the year 1S88, h-j 

AMES' PVBLISHING CO. 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, 



—CLYDE, OHIO: 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 



CAPTUKED; OB, THE OLD MAID'.S TKIUMPH. 



CAST OF CIFAHACTEnS. 

Susan Tabitha AN'ixDCiiESTEn, .An old maid. 

Chaeles Dickens WiNDCHESTicn, (Iler bi-othei) An inventor. 

Joshua Pkatt An old Yankee. 

Frank Westfield A ''CashP' 

Sam Sly A farmer. 

Coachman 

Jane Windchestek The inventdr''s belter half. 

Polly A servant girl. 

Sallie "In our allei/," 

Country lads and lassies. 



Time of Eepresentation — One and three-fourths hours. 



COSTUMES— MODERN. 
— :o: — 

PJWPEBTIES. 

Act I. — Sovoral 1)andboxt'?, parasol, i)urso, "Mother Goose's 
Melodies." 

Act II. — "Mother Goose's Melodies," iK'wdcr box with puff in it, 
box of rouge, dust brush. 

Act III. — Umbrella for Joshua, bandboxes, parasol. 

Act IV. — Bi-ooni, bandboxes, parasol, bowl of ijotatoes and knife, 
tray with several dishes, live knives and five forks, glass of spoons, 
knitting, hard bisenit, raw turnips, dispatch, pocket-book with coin, 
flat-iron, ironing board, clothes to iron, one pair long drawers to 
iron, a coin, a large pocket-book and check. 



^S TA G E DIBE CTI ONS. 

E., means Right; l., Left; n. h., llight Hand, l. h.. Left HanJ; c, Centra; g. b ; 
2d E.,] Second Entrance; u. e., Upper Entraace; m. d.. Middle Door; f., tha Flit; 
I).F.j Door in Flat; e. c, Rigbt of Centre; i-. c, Left of Centre. 

K. R. C. C. L. C. U 

*#* The reader is supposed to be upon the Stage facias the andieuoe. 



TMP92-0086i4 



Captured; or, the Old Maid's Triumph. 



SCEI^E I. — A handsomehj furnished apartment in Charles Wind- 
chester's house; double doors, u. c, chairs, sofa, centre table; 
two practicable doors at R., and one at l.; mirror, window, {prac- 
ticable) L. of c. D. 

Enter, Charles Windchester and Frank Westfield, at c. D. 

Charles. My dear boy, I'm deliglited to see you. 

Frank. The pleasure is mutual, 1 assure you. Yes, Charles, I 
have come to make you a few days visit, as I need a rest from my 
labors, and I think a little roaming about Vermont Avould do me 
good. 

Charles. And so do I. By the way, you have come at the right 
time. My sister from Pennsylvania will arrive here to-day, to spend 
the summer with us. You Avill find her plenty of company, if she 
IS as lively as she used to be, but I have not seen her for seven years. 

Frank. Indeed ! I'm glad I came. 

Charles. Let me see, Frank, you have been married now, let me 
see 

Frank. Two years in November next, on the seventh day. 

Charles. How the time does fly! Why, I remember when you 
were born; and I remember when you were cou^'ting Jessie, and 
how you came and asked me as to whether you should marry or no. 
Just as though you hadn't made ^1p your mind already, to marry the 
girl. 

Frank. That's true enough, and I had already asked her. 

Enter, Jane Windciiestei:, l. 

Jane. Why, Mr. Westfield, I'm so glad to see you. When did 
you come? 

Frank. Just a few moments ago. 

Jane, I am glad to see you at our house, and you have arrived at 
a proper time, for Charlie's sister will be here to-da}'. You will not 
be lonesome. She's plenty of company — an over-blown rose, but 
still on the bnsh. 

Frank. An old maid? 

Jane. Exactly ! 

Enter, Polly, at c. d. 

Polbj. Miss Susan is coi>'''io*, ma'am. O'l, sure and you'd have 
lauglied both your eyes ■ r, if you coi^id only have seen her 
coming dovn tlic road, in:. 'am. 



4 CAPTUliED; 02?, THE OLD 3IAWS TJtWMPSi^ 

Jane. Ancl wliy so, Polly ? 

roily. Sure, ancl she had so many thhigs to cany, uia'aui, thafe' 
she dropped tliem all over tl:e road, nui'aiii. - ■ 

Jane. Did she not come in the concii ? 

Folhj. Sure, no, ma'am. 

Charles. What, she Avallied? 

Folly. Yes, sir, Avith a lot of bajid boxes, sh'. 

Charles, (aside) As crazy as ever, I see. (aloud) The idea of 
Avalljino- all the May IVom the depot hero, wlicu the coach runs al- 
most to the door. 

Janj'. I'olly, y(ni had beti<>r assist lier wilh her bandboxes. 

(Polly rushes to c. D. 

JCiitt-r, S[SAN Tabatua AVixdchf.step., ?'•///* a great luimbcr of band- 
boxes, i^he runs aiiainst PpLLY, and drops them; she seises her 
parasol, and heats Polly v'ith it; exit Polly, hurriedly, c. d. 

Susan. AVell, Clirisioplicr Cohunbiis ! I think you'd better coaie 
back and try that over a,a;ain. hister, how do you come on? Have 
you been quite well 'i And, brother Cliarlie, [business of shaking 
hands) now how you do grow. I have to stand on my tip-toes to 
kiss you. (kisses him) There! you sliould feel highly honored, for 
you're the fust man I've kissed in seven years. 

Charles. And wlio kissed you then, sister? 

Susan. Wiiy, you did; doVi't you remember? 

Charles. AVell, I hope tlic progress you liave made in the past 
seven years, is not your guarantee for the future. 

Susan. It won't be if I cau help it, brother, but don't imagine 
that 1 iiaven't had i>lenty of chanves. Oh, no! many a j'oung man 
has sought to kiss me witliout avail. 

Charles. If you had worn a veil, you might have been kissed. 
Sister, allow me ty introduce to you, my friend, Mr. Westfield. 

Snsan. How do you come on, sir? I'm tickled to sec you. 

[shaking his hand, violently 

Jane. AVhy did you not come in the coach? 

Susan. Well, I'll tell you all about it. I got into the coach. I 
Avas the only passenger. The coachman got talking to me, and after 
a while he asked me'how old I was. I told him I was twenty-four, 
and he laughed at me. 

Charles.^ Twenty-four! "Why, sister, you arc Ibrly-fonr if you're 
a day. 

Susan. Brother, you're telling a do\\ aright lib. 

Charles. I know," Susan, that you will never sec forty-four again, 
for you were just thirty-six when 

Susan. Hold your tongue, you foolish boy, w hat are you giving 
me away for? VVell, well ! He vexed me so, that 1 got "my tiander 
up, and I says to him, "You good-for-nothing wretch! if you don't 
dry up, I'll knock you down I'' (Scsax gets excited and hits 
Chakles in the face ivith her parasol) AVell, good land; diil I ever! 
Excuse me, brother, it was wholly intentional, I assure you. I hope 
you're not much hurt, 

Charles. Oh, no; not at all ! 

Siisan. Well, as I was saying -when you inierrupled me, "If you 
don't dry up, I'll [business vjith parasol; Cuaklks dodges) knock 
you down!" He kept on laughing, so I got out of the coach atid 
walked. 



CAPTUBED; Oli, THE OLD MAWS TlilUMPE, $ 

Takes out a large, flat purse, and looks through it, and then looks 
about the floor. 

Jane. Have you lost finythino? 

Susan. Yes ; that's just what I expcotea ! That fellow has cheated 
iiic out of ten cents. He stopped the coach rioht iu the gutter, too; 
and I'll show you liow muddy my skirts are, Jane. 
Jane. Did you have any trouble in findino- the house? 
Susan. Trouble ! Good land, haven't 1 been here before? 
Jane. Won't you step into this room, Sue, and remove your 
traveling habit? 

Susan. I ain't in the habit of traveling, and you know it. 
Jane. You do not understand me, I mean your traveling clothes. 
Stisan. Well, bye and bye will do. {to Charles) You see, 
brother, I have lately found a book that (luite suits my poetical 
fancies. 

Charles. Indeed ! 

Susan. Yes ; I can read it over and over again, and never get 
tired of it, it is so interesting. I read some of it to the coachman on 
my way here, and the hair-brained fool laughed at it. Oh, the 
ignorance of tlie lower classes ! 

Frank. He was ratlier impertinent, I declare. 
Susan. Pert! I should say so! But, I made allowance for his 
ignorance. We cannot all be learned. Because you and I can 
understand the works of the great masters, that is no reason that he 
can; oh, no! 

Frank. And what hook is it that interests you so? 
Susan. Here it is— "Mother Goose !" {shows book) Listen, while 
I unfold the tale of the thrilling, and heart-rending murder of poor 
Cock Kobin. Where did 1 leave oft"? Let me see! Oh, j^es; here'^ 
the place, (reads) 

"Xow they all sat or stood to eat and to drink. 
And everyone said what he happened to think. 
They each took a bumper, and drank to the pair: 
Cock Robin, the bridegroom, and Jennie, the fair. 
The dinner things removed, they all began to sing, 
And soon they made the i^lace near a mile round to ring. 

The concert it was fine" 

Charles. Sister, for heaven's bake ! 

Susan. Can't yotx keep your mouth shut for about a minute. 
"And every bird tried who best should sing, 
For Robin and Jennie Wren, the bride, 
When in came the Cuckoo and made a great route. 
He caught hold of Jennie and pulled her about. 
Cock Robin was angry, and so was the sparrow, 
Who fetched in a liurry his bow and arrow. 
His aim he then took, but he took it not right ; 
His skill was not good, or he shot in a fright, 
For the cuckoo he missed, but Cock Robin he killed, 
And all the birds mourned that his blood was so spilled." 
(she becomes deeplg affected) I'll read you another about "Little 
Bopeep." 

Charles. Sister, please spare us ! What have we done? Don't 
jiftlict us with any more such nonsense. I don't wondei: the CQ§ch» 
man laughed, -^ ■' 



6 CAPTURED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. 

Susan. How can you laugh at any thin:; so sad? Heartless man ! 
to laugh at death. Just imagine the pain tliat tlie poor little bird 
must have suffered uith an arrow through his heart. Brother, you 
have no feeling. 

Jane. Susan, if you will follow me into this room, I will assist 
you to undress. 

Susan. I don't want to go to hed yet. 

Jaw. 1 mean I will help you remove your bonnet and shawl, and 
arrange your toilet. 

Susan. Now, don'c you bother yourself about my toilet. I hain't 
combed my hair for a long time, and don't mean to begin to-day. It; 
comes out'fast enough without jerking it out with a comb. 1 don't 
mean to have a full nioon rise on the back of ujy head at my age. 

Jane. Well, please yourself, Susan. 

Susan. Oil, I always do that ! 

Tane. This will be your room as long as you remain with us. 

{points to door, R. u. E. 

Susan. What's the matter with this other one? Why can't I have 
jt? {points to door, R. 1 E. 

Jane. That room I had intended for Mr. Westfield. 

Susan. Oh, very well! We will be so near and yet so far, Avon 't 
we Jane? But I can read "Mother Goose" to him evenings. 
(as'ide) That man's got a tender heart, I know. I saw tears in hig 
eyes when I read that last verse. 

(Susan sighs, then gathers itp her boxes 

Jane, (aside) She thinks him a single man. AVolI, I'll not tell 
her he is married, but to enjoy a little harmless fun, let her think on 
In the way she has begun. (exit D. r. u. e. 

Susan. You will excuse me for a few moments, won't you, Mr, 
Westfield ? > 

Frank. Oh, certainly, many of them ! {bowing loin 

Susan, {aside) Another conquest ! I'm sure I've made an im- 
pression ! {placing hand over heart) Sit still, little fluttering heart, 
sit still! Oh, Avhat lots of fun Ave young girls dohaAel {going to 
door E. 1. KAf aloud) Christopher Columbus! where am I going to? 

Charles. The next room, sister. 

Susan. Good land! I think I ought to know Avhere I'm a going, 
brother. {business, and exit, R. u. e. 

Charles. You ought to, but you don't! Frank, let me entreat 
that you will oveilook my sister's infirmities and bold manners. > 

Frank, Wliy, Charles ! It is but the natural playfulness of hef 
heart. \ 

Charles. Well, her heart is old enough to stop playing. But, 
come, Frank, and look at my neAv library, mechanism in all its 
branches ; and do you know, my boy, I have invented an atmospheric 
engine, Avhich Avill discount steam altogether. {exeunt, c. r>. 

Enter, Jaxe, e. u. e., and Polly, l. e. 

Jane. One Avord Avith you, Polly. My sister-in-law aa^II perhaps 
ask you if Mr. AYestfield "is married. If she does, I don't Avant you 
to knoAV anything about him at all. Do you understand me ? 

Folh/. Sure, vcs, ma'am. I Avou't tell her nothin'. 

Jane. That's right, Polly ! Don't forget that you knoAV nothing, 

J^oUi/, I Avon't, ma'am. 



CAPTUJiUD; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. 7 

Jane. Hark ! I hear her coming. Let us part immediately, and 
Polly — say nothing of what I have tolrt yon. 
Polly. Sure, I won't, ma'am. 
Jane. Quick! she is here! {exit, Jane, c, Polly, l. 

Enter, Susan, r. u. e., xoith a volume of "Mother Goose" in her hand* 
She looks about, smiling. 

Susan. It is such a beautiful day out, that I wonder you don't 
take a stroll, Mr. Westfield; but as Jane was telling me that you 
have just come yourself, I suppose you are well nigh tired out. I 
know I am. I am so pleased to hear that you're going to stay a 
while with us, for I was wondering what I would do for a com- 
panion. 1 don't like to be alone. I do so love company, and some- 
thing tells me that you will be a friend to me, anJ escort me about. 
It is so lucky that we both happened to come at the same time, don't 
you think so, Mr. Westfield ? Mr. Westtield ! I was saying it is so 
lucky that we both happened to come here at the same tune. Don't 
youlhinkso? Mr. Westtield ! (tenderly) Frankie, are you here? 
Ah, you can't fool me ! I can see you over therein the "chair, you 
bad boy ! I see you ! (puts on spectacles) Well, Christopher Colum- 
bus ! Here I've been talking awaj'^ for the last ten minutes, and not 
a sight of a person about. I was just as sure he was sitting in that 
chair, as ever was. I wonder where he's gone to. I've a good mind 
to go and hunt him. I'm sure he likes me or he wouldn't have 
smiled on me so often. I blush when I think of it, in spite of my 
maiden modesty. Law! he puts me so much in mind of my first 
love, Jim, the miller. He was hung, poor fellow! took two ropes 
to hang him, too; and then he lived for five minutes after he was 
dead. (sits in chair, reading hook 

Enter, Jane, c. d. 

Jane. Susan, I am delighted to have you among us again. 

Susan. You are; then you're different from my other sister-in- 
laws! They were always delighted to see me pack up ray things 
and go home. 

Jane. I see no reason Avhy we should not get along all right in 
each other's company. 

Susan. Well, Jane, you see you and I understand each other. I 
don't want to have any secrets from you. I always speak just as I 
think, and for sometime past I've been wondering what on earth my 
brother married you for. I have so ! And that day when he came 
home and told me that he was going to marry you, you, mind you ; 
if he had told me he'd killed a mac, or threw a bull over the meeting 
house, he couldn't have surprised me more than he did ! So I just 
says to him, for I was fermenting with rage — "You tarnal old fool ! 
would you go and marry that lazy, good-for-nothing, ugly 

Jane^ Stop ! Ugly ! You— are very complimentary. 

Susan. Don't mention it! I was about to say when you inter- 
rupted me, that you Avere ugly, and, what was your mother ? Why, 
she was nothing but a Avash-woman ! 

Jane. Well, supposing she Avas, Avhat then ? 

Susan. He didn't do as I ^\ anted him to, or he'd never have mar- 
ried you, Jane. Here you are, Avith a nice home, fancy dresses and 
seryajits. I don't think you deserve them. My brother had a good 



S CAPTURED; OB, THE OLD 3IAID'S TRIUMPH. 

deal better liave stnyed at my house, and boarded with, me. You're 
no housekeeiier, nether, nor j'ou ham't a particle of taste, anyone 
can see that from the way your room is furnished. Now, if I was 
master here, and had my suv about this liouse, I'd liave all these 
chairs cushioned over a,2,ain in yellow and cardinal blue, with navy 
green fringe. Tiiat's tlie way 1 intend to have my furniture when 
I get married. But say, Jane, I am old enough now to take unto 
myself a husband, and if j'ou could assist me in hunting up a good, 
steady man, wliose poetical nature will sjnnpatiiize with mine, I'd 
like to have you do so. 

Jane. Why, sister, don't you tliink yourself almost too young to 
marry, yet? At twenty-four, just think of it ! 

Susan. Well, yes, Jane, I don't know but what I am lather 
young to think of matrimon}% but then, you see, we young girls 
prefer to wed while tlie radient blush of childhood is still upon our 
cheeks, while the bloom is on the peach, before our beauty begins 
to fade. 

Jane, You must have had offers of marriage before to-day. Now 
confess it, sister; you know you have. 

Susan. Well, Jane, to tell you the trutli, I have. 

Jane. I thought so. AVith all j-^our advantages, how could j'ou 
escape. 

Siisa7i. I'll tell you. I loved a young man, and beloved me; he's 
dead now ! 

Jane. (aside) I don't wonder he died! 

Susan. But, you see, 1 had made up my mind never to marry. 
Well, you see, I was sitting on the cupola darning socks, when he 
called. I was so infatuated with that man, that if he had asked me 
to be his, I believe I should have been weak enough to have accepted 
him ; but he didn't ask me that night, nor the next niglit, nor any 
night after that; consequentlj^, I am free. You see what a narrow 
escape I had. 

Jane. You had, indeed ! How many girls Avould have accepted 
his offer. 

Susan. Yes, and been a rocker of cradles, and slave of man for 
the rest of her days. But, Jane, this Mr. W^estfield is a real nice 
man. 

Jane. He is, and any woman might be proud to get such a 
husband. 

Susan. Do you think he's worth anything? 

Ja7ie. He is considered very wealthy. 

Susa7i. And you never have asked him how much he's worth? 
I'll ask him before he is an hour older. 

Jane. You must not offend him by asking sucli a (|uestio)i. He- 
member, he is our guest. 

Susan. Guest or no guest, I'm going to know how much he's 
worth. I know my business. I hain't lived in this vale of tears 
forty-five years — twenty-four years for nothing. Oli, no! 

Enter, Polly, c. d. 

Polly. The gentleman is returning from liis walk, ma'am, and 
%vill be here directly, ma'am; yes, ma'am. (exit c. D. 

Susan, Jane, you go into mj- room, and stav till I come. 

Jane. I'm not afraid of Mr. AVesttield. He is an old friend of 
mine. 



CAPTUBED; OB, THE OLD .MAID'S TlilUMPH. 

Susan. Now, do as I tell yon, Jane. I'm in earnest. 

Jane. AVhat do you want me to go in the room for .-' 

Susan. For instance! 

Jane. That is a very poor reason. 

Susan. 0-ising) Well, it's all the reason yon will get. Go nito 
any room you like ; I don't care where you go, so long as you get 
out of here. He is apt to come in now any minute. Go out ! go out ! 

Jane. Well, I'll go! ^ (rjettingnp 

Susan. That's a dear ! I think it will be better for your constitu- 
tion to stay out of this room for awhile. Bat, liow do I look ? Do 
my false teeth show when I laugh? And my feet— they are small 
I know, but no matter. 

Jane. You are just as pretty as a picture, Sue ! 

Siisan. No flatermonts now; you put me into such a pretty con- 
fusion I shan't be able to see him. I hear him commg. Get out of 
here just as quick as you can, now. He will see you if you go out 
there. ibusin''ss) Come! Into my room with you ; quick! (exit 
Jane r. u. e.) I know his footsteps. Sit still, my heart, I'll drown 
my blushes in the poems of "Mother Goose." When he comes in, 
I'll pretend like if I was sceered of him, and get up to go out of the 
room. He will call me back again, of course. "Oh, Mother Goose ! 
Oh, "Mother Goose !" i^he sits and reads 

Enter, Frank Westfield, c. d. 

Frank, (aside) Pshaw! tliat old maid again! 
Susan (aside) What in thunder's he standnig back therefor! 
Frank, (aside) I guess I'll have a little chat with her, seeing 
there is no one else about. (comes forward 

Susan, (aside) Good land, how backward he is about coming 

Frank. You seem to have quite a cultivated taste for poetry, 
Miss Windchester. 

Susan, (jumjys up) Law, sir! How you sceered me! Excuse 
me sir I am very much infatuated with "Mother Goose." 
(she goes to c. d. Frank seats himself at l. of the table; aside) 
Why the deuce don't he say something? 

Frank. Would you be kind enough to send Mrs. Windchester to 
me. I wish to speak to her. 

Susan. I wish I could, but, you see, she took a sick headache and 
went to bed. 

Frank. Indeed ! . , , , 

Susan. Yes. (aside) If she coincs here, she'll put an end to the 
whole business, and then he won't have a chance to make love to 
me. I'll keep her out of the way for awhile, anyhow. 

Frank. But she was quite well an hour ago. 

Susan. Yes, but you see, Mr. Wostlield, she is subject to sick 
headache. , ^ 

Jane, (^peeping in R. u. e.) I never knew that before. I'm glad 

she told me ! 

Frank. I beg pardon, but Avliat did you say ? 

Susan, (aside) The fellow must be deaf! (aloud) I said that 
Jane was subject to sick headache, (aside) I wonder if he heard 

Frank. I am sorry to lienr it, but she will soon be better, will 
she not? 



10 VAPTUnED; Olt, THE OLD JIAID\^ TRIUMPH. 

Susan. Oh, yes, she'll soon be better, {aside) Now, Ave will 
come doAvn to business. I liope she won't come in, and give the 
whole thing awaj-. {aloud) - You see, Mr. Westfield, Jane is not 
ver}' strong, and brother Cliarlie is so afraid she Avill go into con- 
snniption. Charlie is awful good to Jane. Whj', when they were 
first married, I remember he used to put the stoves up for her, and the 
pictures, the curtains, the clothes-lines, and one day he put up her 
gold watch and chain. 1 tell you a man can't be too good to his 
wife, Mr. Westfield. 

Frank. 'J'rue enough. 

Sttsa». But some men, after they have been married a sliort time, 
got tired of the old hen, they say. 

Frank. I do not see how a man can become tired of a good wife, 
that is, if they truly love each other. 

tSusan. Were you ever in love, may I ask? 

Frank. I will confess to you, that I am now. 

Susan, {aside) Sit still, "my heart! Dear me, how conflustrated 
I am ! (aloud) Describe the "fair object of your love, pray. 

Frank. AVeli, in the first place, a "fairy form 

Snsan. (aside) Christopher Columbus! that's me! 

Frank. Beautiful eyes, and curly hair ! 

Susan, (aside) I knew he loved me at first sight! ( aloud) How 
kind of you, sir ; but go on, do ! 

Frank. A sweet little face, as fair as the day. 

Susan, {aside) Dear me, how he loves me! (aloud) And does 
she love you, do you think? 

Frank. I am certain of it. 

Snsan. You are so kind, Mi-. Westfleld, but you may some day 
change your mind, as many others do, and wish you had never seen 
her. 

Frank. Never ! Nought but death could end my love for — 

Susan. INLel Oh, you good, kind, dear, sweet angel, we will 
never part. (embracing him 

Frank, (terrified) Why, surely, Mi^s Windchester, you mis- 
understand me. Consider my position ! If any one should come in 
now, what would they think"? 

S^isan. No matter what they th.nk, I'll never leave you, I swear 
it! (faints in his arms 

Enter, Chaules Wixi>chester, c. d., Jaxe from k. u. e., Poi.ly 

and others, I., v. a. -^ business. Pirtnre I. 

CUETAIN. 

Picture II. Susan in a comfortable position on the floor. Frakk 
seems to be explainina matters to the others. They all smile at his 

attempts, 

END OF ACT I. 
ACT II. 

SCENE—Same as in Art I. 

SrsAN discovered asleep in a kuye arm chair; volume of "Mother 
Goose" in her hand, also a fan. Her feet, tchich rest upon another 
chair, look very long. Jane seated at table, looking at h€t\ ■"' 

Jane, Y"ovi are not going to sleep, are you, sister 2 . 



CAPTUBED; OH, THE OLD MAID'S TBIVMPH. U 

Susan, (waking) Did you speak to me ? 

Jane. I asked if you were going to sleej)? 

Susan. OfcousenotI I can't sleep in the day time, and you 
J»now it. 

Janp. Well, Avell! I can't get over your conduct yesterday. Mr. 
Westlield was so embarassed by the circumstance, that far from 
staying to have his visit out, he has fled, without saying good-bj'e to 
any one. Then your position Avas so ridiculous, that the more I 
tliiiik of it, the more I wonder how you came into it. 

Sttsan. Well, good land, sister, I don't believe you're right sharp, 
to talk as yon do after I've told you the whole story of how he made 
love to me, and tritletl with my aftections, the wretch ! lie told me 
he wouldn't part with me for the world, said I was his first and 
only love, and said he was ready to lay down his life for me, the 
Iamb — I mean, the deceitful brute! Hanging's too good for him! 
He ought to be kicked. Sister, if it wasn't for j^ou, I'd go and in- 
form the squires about it, and make that man marry me this tarnal 
minute. I would so ! I knew of a man that had to marry a girl just 
because she dreamed he married her. 

Jane, Susan, why is it that you will persist in using such slang? 
I have noticed it ever since you came. 

Susati. Can't help it if I do ! It won't hurt me, I guess. 

Jane. Now, I am the secretary of a society of ladies, called the 
''Slang Abolisher's Union." 

Susan. The— the — what's that? Slang demolisher's — 

Jane. No, no! The "Slang Abolisher's Union," I said. We 
have tried so hard to suppress the use of all slang, 

Susan. !fou have, eh? Have you converted any one yet? 

Jane. You just bet your boots ! 

Susan. I wear shoes. What's the matter with them? 

Jane. We had thirty converts last week, and more. You must 
come to some of our meetings. We have such jolly good times. If 
we meet a man in the street using slang, we ask him to accompany 
us to the meeting, and there convert him. 

Susan. Give them wine to drink, too, I suppose? 

Jane. Yes, indeed! and they are mighty nice men to (;onverse 
with, generally, after they discontinue the use of slang. 

Susan. You can take me with you to the next meeting. 

Jane. I should be delighted to do so. 

Susan. I always did like wine when I could get it. 

Jane. What do you think of the object of the society? Don't you 
think we are working to accomplish a noble end? 

Susan. Well, I don't know but what you are, only you ougiit to 
begin at home and convert yoursehes tir ;t. 

Jane. Susan, I don't thank you for any such remarks. 

Susan. I don't care whether you do or not! I mean every word 
I say. I think your society's a pack of fools, every one of them. 
You'd have done much better if you'd have gone and joined the 
Women's sulfrage, or even the Salvation Army. 

Jane. Your same insulting ways, Susan ! I think it very unkind 
of you to speak so, I do, indeed ! 

Susan. See here, miss, you just shut up your clatter! I don't 
intend to have any quarrel? with you, for I always was a girl of but 
very few words. 



13 CAPTUIiED; OL, THE OLB MAIL'S TlilUMPB. 

Jane. I had rather not quarrel either, hut you are so cross, that 
it takes all a person's patience to get along ^vith yon. You are so j 
ditferent from your brother; you ai'e not a bit lilce him. 

Susan, Xo, nor don't want to be, for he's lived 'with you so long, 
that he's turned to lip an old fool, too. I've seen tlie time that I 
thought he had some sense, but he's changed since then, or I've been 
amazingly mistaken in liim, for h.e can't talk about anything but 
machinery lately, and that he makes shift to bring in everywhere, 
for Avhen I told him that Mary Jane Morgan died out yonder, 
where I came from in Pennsylvania, he asked me if her machinery 
Avas out of repair. 

Jcme. Perhaps lie didn't understand you. 

Susan. No, it isn't that; he's crazy ; crazy on machinerjM He's 
been telling me a heap about that Avind machine he's contriving. 

Jane. It is very wrong in you to speak so of your oion brother. 

Snsan, Christopher Columbus! I'm talking to your face, ain't 
I ■? I'm not one of them persons that's always talking about people 
behind their backs. I say just what I think, and I'm a vv'oman of 
very few words. 

Jane, (aside) It would be well if she were; she would be likecl 
better. 

Susan. It's always the way, though ; whenever I make the ac- 
quaintance of some nice young man, he comes to see me once, and 
never comes again. I don't know why ! I think it is such mean 
treatment towards a girl, and I such a young thing, too I 

Jane. Well, you need not despair yet. You may meet some 
widower who — 

Susan. A widower! I wouldn't have one of them in my house. 
The idea! me marry a Avidowcr? I want a young man. I don't 
repose to spend my young life in waiting on some old man, not a bit 
of it! I should, tliink yon mi ^lit find me some nice young man, 
Avitli a little property, down East here. Don't you knoAV of some 
one? I should think you ought to, you've livecMhere long enough; 
or else tell all the neighbors you've a young college girl spending 
her vacation with you here. Invite them all over some CA'ening to 
call on nie, and give me a good blow out at the house here. 

Jane. Well, Sue, I don't think of any one just uoav, for the girls 
doAvn East here, don't give the felloAvs a chance to become bachelors, 
noi- do they allow them to remain Avidowers long, either. 

Susan. I think they must be hard up to marry widowers. I 
Avouldn't marry a Avidower to save his life ! 

Jane. You inay change your mind, one day. 

Susan. I, change my^nind? Not much ! Good land ! if I couldn't 
many something better than a AvidoAver, I Avouldn't feel lit to soar 
to t!ie land of milk and lionej* ! 

Jane. You Avill change your mind some day, depend upon it ! 

Susan. If I can't get hold of something better than a widoAver, I 
uon't get hold of nothing at ail ! 

Enter, Poli.v, hurrU'dbj, c. v>. 

Polly. Oh, sure, ma'am, and old Sam Sly is coming doAvn the 
road, ma'am. 

Jane. Sam Sly ! Who is he, Poily ? 

Folly, {confused) Why, ma'am — you know, ma'am— he Avas the 
man as OAvned the corner lot, ma'am/ 



CAPTUEED; OJi, THE OLD 31 AID'S TrJUMPJL 13 

Jane. Oh, certainly ! Old Sain Sly, that married Matilda. 

Polly. Jane Ann, rna'am, and took ner to New York, where she 

died; and now he's coming hack to get another wife, ma'am. I 

guess there's a chanc»^ lornic j'ct. Can i look at myself in the 

glass, ma'am? (fi-vinrj herself 

Jane. Certainly you may ! (1'ollv niakts Iter toilet; business 

Sttsan. Is he a widower '? 

Jane, Yes, as Polly says ; he married a young lady from here, 
and took her to New York, where she died of measles. 
Susan. Did she catch them from him? 

Ja7ie. I guess not ! He has a splendid farm a few miles from 
here. 

Susan, {interested) You don't tell I Good land! well, you go 
down hito the kitchen, Polly dear. I'll dress myself, (getsttj)) Didn't 
3'ou say he was coming here ? 
Polly. Yes, ma'am, but Pm going to stay and see him. 
Susan. You shan't do nothing of the kind. Eemember that you 
are the common help here. Go "right down into the kitchen. PIl 
meet him myself. 
Polly. But I used to know him, ma'am ; yes, ma'am. 
Susan. I don't care if you are twins. Do as I tell you. 
Polly. Sure, ma'am, and I'm a goin' to stay and see him, so I am. 

(crying 
Susan. Good land of Canaan, what are you bawling about noAV, 
3'ou young reprobate ! I don't want you to stand stone still there 
and gainsay me to my very face. You needn't think this man is 
coming to see j^ou, silly child ! Some one lias told him that I was 
hei"e, and he is coming to call on me. 

(SusAX arranr/es her clrsss before mirror 
Polly. But he used to be my fellow, ma'am, and if I'd only said 
"j^es" to him, he might have been something nearer, ma'am ; yes, 
ma'am. 

Susan. You said "na!" Well, Christoi)liQr Columbus, you make 
me tired ! What a goose you are ! 

Polly. Oh, sure, ma'am I Let me stay and see him; if he asks 
me again, I'll say "yes," ma'am. 

Susan. You must think I'm a fool ! Think I'd let you have 
another chance, when you said "no" once! My turn comes next, 
and I bet he won't have to ask me twice. 
Polly. Sure, and I don't think he'll ask von once, ma'am. 
Susan. Well, if he doesn't a?k me, why, I'll ask liiai, that's all ! 
Polly. Sure, and I don't think that's any way to d( , ma'am. 
Susan. It's my way, though ; besides, I ought to li.uethe first 
chance, because I'm a little older than you are, and may never have 
another ofter. 
Polly. 1 don't care whether you do or not ! 
Susan. But I care, though. Go right out of this room. 
Polly. I don't want to, ma'am. 

Susan, You don't, don't you? (pushes her uut, quick, c. d. 

Polly. Sure and I'll be after getting even with you for this, 
ma'am. 

Susan. Good land I Am I to be bothered with any more of j-our 
tongue, you Jmzzy? And now, Jane, you go into my room and 
read this chapter about the dog that went to Dover, (reads) "Leg 
over leg, as the (.log went to Dover; when he came to a stile, jump ! 



U CAPTUHED; OM, THE OLD MAIL'S TJRIUMPIL 

(jumps high) lie went over. Now go along; do go out of this I 
(pushes Jane o^, r. u. k. Pou-clers and paints befor mirror) Howj 
funny I do feel I He's coming. I can hear his footsteps in the 
garden, as he turns over the sod. I must be doing something when, 
he comes in. of course : but what shall 1 do 'r I've lent my "Mother 
Goose" to Jane. Let me see ! Oli, I know what I'll do. I'll sing a 
little. (siDifs, ''That Little Black Mustache," 

Enter, Sam Sly, at c. D. He listens, 

Sli/. Xo one at home, it seems. 

Susan. Oh, dear yes! I'm here I 

Sbj. Yes, so I see! But I mean, the young ladies! 

Susan. I just told vou I was here, sir ! 

Shj. But where is Polly ? 

Susan. Oh, she went to Pennsylvania on a visit, and we dou't 
know whether she'll ever come back again or not. \ 

SIt/. Are you going to stay here long? 

Susan. I'll stay here just as long as I can stand Jane's imiju- 
dcnce, and I may not go home, unless by si)ocial request. 

Shf, Well, I don't think Polly will come back before you leave, 
then ; but I heard from the neighbors that she was still here. 

Susan. The neighbors are all liars, sir! Don't listen to them. 
She went to her home, way down in West Virgin}', sir. 

Sly. I thought you just said Pennsylvania. 

Susan. Did I ? Bless me, so I did! I meant Virginv. 

Sly. When did she go ? 

Susan, She started yesterday. Your name is 

Sly. Sly I But surelj^ she left some word ? 

Susan. Not a word ! You used to live here, didn't you? 

Sly, At onetime, yes. And did she not leave her address? 

Susan. No; she didn't leave nothing but a pair of old shoes. I 
suppose you know Mr. Westfield, sir. 

Sly. To be sure I do. Didn't she leave a letter for me? 

Susan. I tliiuk Mr. AVestfleld is such an awful nice looking man, 
don't you ? 

Sly. lie is a verj" pleasant man. 

Susan. He looks a right good deal like you, only he ain't so good 
looking as you are, nor he h'ain't got such a jn'etty name as Sly. 

Sly. Law, bless me, ma'am, don't! You are a friend, I suppose, 
to Mr. Windchester and his wife. 

Susan. I am, sir. I'd like to see tlie fellow that would say I was 
anything else. He's my brother Charlie, and she's sister-in-law, 
Jane. But, between me and you, a mighty bad bargain he made of 
it, when he married her, for she's so proud, stuck-up and high- 
toned, that she hardly treats a body civil. Where do j'ou live? 

Sly. I'm living up in the country, yonder, about seven miles 
from here. Got a pretty nice place, too. 

Susan. That so, la! A nice day, this, for the gardens. 

Sly. Very nice, indeed ! 

Susan, What do you raise mostly on your farm ? 

Sly. More potatoes than anj^thing else. 

Susan, I raise a sight of beans and onions on my farm. I love 
onions ; they arc so strengthening. 

Sly. (aside) Yes, old gal; your breath will defend itself. 



CAPTUBED; OJi, THE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. 1$ 

Susan. Have you got a veiy nice place whei'o you live ou6 
yonder ? 

Sly. Well, yes ; rather nice. 

Susa7i. How much did you give for it? 

Shj. Oh, it cost me — quite a sum of moiiej'. 

Stisan. Is it all paid for? 

Shj. Certainly, it's all p:iid for; Avhy shouldn't it be? 

Susan. Well, you needu't get mad about it! I've got a mighty 
nice farm mj'self. 

Sli/. Have you? Well, that's nice, I'm sure I 

Susan. I paid fifty thousand dollars for it, if I do say it myself! 

Sly. {whistling) Pretty good sum, that! 

Susan. Oh, not so very much, when you've got lots of money 
and don't know what to do witli it. 

Sly. Is that your case ? 

Suian. Well, if it is, I don't intend to tell everybody about it, or 
I'd have more lovers laying about my feet i)ining away than I have 
any use for. 

Sly. (surprised) You are not married, then. 

Susan. What are you talking about, man ? Of course I'm not 
married ! 

Sly. Then you are still to meet the man? 

SusaiT. That's what's the matter with Hannah ! 

Sly. What do you think of this part of the country? Do you 
like it as well as you do your own? 

Susan. Oh, I "like the country well enough, but I don't like the 
people. They are such liars, I don't believe half of them will rise 
high enough out of their graves to get a peep at the insurrection on 
judgment day. 

Sly. I guess you don't like your sister-in-laAv, Jane, very well. 

Susan. You guess about right, there. She's a reckless mortal. 
I never talk about people behind their baclvs, but sometimes I think 
she's a sneaking, deceitful thing. 

. Sit/. How did you happen to become acquainted with Mr. West- 
field'? 

Susan. Oh, liira, the brute ! the supple jack ! You see, I met him 
here the first day I came, and he fell in love with me right away, at 
first sight. Well, I suppose he thought because I looked at him a 
couple of times, that he would make sun while the hay shone, so he 
asked me to nian-y him. 

Sly. Make hay while the sun shone, you mean. 

Susan. You'll be kind enough to hold your touguo for a few 
moments, Avhile I finish my story. He asked me to marry him, 
but — 

Sly. He did I Why, he has been married over a year. 
Susan. I didn't say lie Avasn't. But I said "no," of course. I 
found out afterwards, that he was married. 
Sly. Indeed! 

Susan. Yes, and had a wife. Have you lived here long? 
Sly, I was born and raised near here. 

Susan. What a memory you've got ! Can you remember back to 
when you were born ? 

Sly. Certainly not, but I take my mother's word for it, when she 
tells me I Avas born here. 

Susan. I've always thought I'd like to live clown East here, my- 
self, (Polly looks in at c. v. , 



IS CAPTUBED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TBIUMPJI* 

Sly. TJieu why don't j'ou move here? 

Susan. Well, you see, my unprotected state. I am unmarried, 
and have no one to look after me and protect me, as I should have. 
We young girls, you know, ai"e not strong like you men. If 1 could 
only find some good, sober man to— to— well, to look after me a 
little and care for me, I might come here. 

Sly. It would be very nice, to tell the truth. 

Susan. You are a widowei-, ain't you? 

Sly. Well, just at present I am. 

Sitsan. Do you know there is something reverend about a wid- 
ower, that you don't see about a bachelor, nor a young man, neither. 
I noticed it about you the minute I cast my eyes on you. The light 
graceful step, the downcast eyes, the blushing cheeks, the — Oh, hut 
i do so love widowers! Do you like stories? 

Sly. What kind of stories "do you mean ';■ 

Susan. "Mother Goose's Melodies;" I'll bring them ! 

(lively music; exits hurriedly, u. V. E, 

Sly. Heavens and earth I Am I to be tortured any longer by 
this woman's tongue, and above all, to be compelled to listen to 
"Mother Goose's Melodies," a book for babies, not much! (is rush" 
ing out, c. D., meets Polly) AVhy, Polly ! 

Polly. Don't you talk to me, sir, I'm mad at you ! 

Sly.' Very well, then, I won't! {business 

Polly. I say. Sly, you're not mad at me, are j'ou? 

Sly. Why, to be sui-e I am not ! 

Polly. But what are you doing here? 

Sly. I have come back here to get married, 

Polly. To get married ! {sobbing violently 

Sly. Why, what's the matter, Polly? (tries to take her hand 

Polly, (puts hand behind her) Don't you touch me ! A nice man, 
you are! Oh, you Jias^?/ old man, you! Don't you look at me, or 
I'll scratch your eyes out! 

Sly. Well, I asked you to marry me once, but you wouldn't havo 
me. 

Polly. Yes, I — I — would, too! ■ {sobs 

Sly. Well, Avhy didn't you say so, then? 

Polly. Well, be — because! 

Sly. Because what? 

Polly. Because you only asked me — (sobs) me once. 

Sly. IIow many times do you want to be asked? 

Polly. Sure, I want to be asked twice, anyhow. 

Sly. Then if I asked you again, it would "be twice. 

Polly. Well, then I'd marry you! 

Sly. You xoould marry me? 

Polly. Bet your boots I would! (embracing) Oh, Sly 1 

Be-enter, Susan at n. v. e., reading. She looks up and sees them, 
drops book, stares at them aivhile, then exit R. u. E.; returns with 
broom and starts off after them; exit all, L. u. E. 

Enter, Jane, r. u. e. 

Jane. What is the matter. Sue? Oh dear ! oh dear I Everything 
has gone wrong since that woman came into my house ! I wonder 
Avhat she wanted with tliat broom. 



CAPTUBED; OB, THE OLD 2f AID'S TBIUMPH. 17 

iPoLLY, Sly and Susan are seen crossing in the background, from l. to 
R. All cross from r. u. e., and out l. u. e. Re-enter all at 
CD. SvsAN falls doion; business of covering her feet, 

Jane. What is the matter now, Susan ? What do you mean by 
such behavior? You are always creating a disturbance; answer 
me. 

Susa7i. Just look at that fellow there. Do you see him ? 

Jane. Most certainly I see him ; what then ? 

Enter, Charles Windchester, c. v. 

Charles. What means this infernal hubbub? It has driven an 
original idea right out of my head. I was completing the plan for a 
machine, a great machine. One that would have astonished the 
world, and now my train of thought is busted. It's all your fault, 
too, sister. 

Susan. I wouldn't care if your head was busted, as well as your 
tram of thought. 

Charles. 1 wish you had stayed at home where you belong, and 
not have come here at all. 
Jane. Do not get so angry, Charles. 

Charles. I can't help it! I mean every word I say. You don't 
seem to appreciate the fact that you have lost the eighth wonder of 
the world. 

Jane, {to Susan) Do not mind him, sister. You know he is 
slightly out of humor, and will soon recover his customary all:abilitj\ 
Susan. Well, I don't care whether he does or not, for I'm going 
home. 

Sly. I am sorry to be the cause of this disturbance, and sincerely 
hope that it will raise no ill feelings between us. 

Charles. Don't mention it, Sam, old boy. As for you, sister, I 
think you had better pack up your traps and leave. 

Susan. Well, I did mean to go home, but now, I'll not budge a 
step to save you. I'll stay here, just to spite you. 
Jane. Y''es, Susan. Stay as long as you, please. 
Stisan. I mean to. I shan't leave this place till I get good and 
ready. I didn't come all the way here from Pennsylvania to turn 
around and go back again ; oh, no ! I came here to get a husband, 
and I don't intend to go back without one, you bet ! 

Charles. Well, Sam, I'll tell you what I will do. I'll give you a 
thousand dollars if you will marry my weak-minded sister, and 
take her away from here. 

Susan. Good land, brother, why don't you have a public auction! 
I'm not for sale, nor I'm not going to be sold neither. 

Sly. As much as I should like to oblige you, Mr. Windchester, I 
am unable to do so, for Polly and I are to be married to-morrow ; 
ain't we, Polly ? 
Polly. Yes, sir ! 

Susan. Y'ou are going to be married to-morrow ! 
Polly. Sure, yes, ma^am ! 

Susan. Oh, you ungratefel man I Just let me get at him ! I'll 
teach him a lesson he won't forget. 

Bushes at him. He pulls her wig off, then rushes out c, d. Susan 
^,.^^_ "* runs about distracted. 



IS CAPTUIiED; OB, THE OLD MAWS TlilUMFH, 

Sit/, {lookinrj in at door) Hallo, old gal I 

SusAX grabs the broom and runs to door, loMch he slams shut in hef 
face. She ivaits till he opens door again, when she hits him ovef 
the head wilh the broom, knoclcinrj his vng off. He grasps the 
broom and 'pulls her out. 

CURTAIN. 

ACT III. 

SCENE. — Garden, v:ii-h a portion of the house at e. u. E. ; rustio 
bench, c; ioall crossing back of the stage, ivith practicable gate, l. 
Charles and Joshua Pratt seated on bench. 

Charles. You see I am just completing my plans, and will soon 
be prepared to present to the world in general, the greatest wonder 
of the age. 

Joshua. Tliat's right! whoop her up and make us some new 
ingines. 1 used to be something of a machine maker myself. My 
father owned a grist mill and I drived the nag around the ring to 
turn the concern. Oh, yes, I know a heap about ingines. 

Charles. Stop ! You nuist excuse me for the present. I have 
just conceived a ]ilan for tlie extermination of Hies and grass-hoppers, 
and I nmst transfer it immediately to paper, before I forget it. 

(exits into house, ii. 

.Joshua. Tl) at fellow's an old fool, by jovc! I've only been here 
about an hour, and he hasn't talked about nothin' but machines and 
ingines. Hallo ! here's his -wife comin' and some other womau with 
her. Wonder who she is ? 

Enter, Susan and Jane, h. 1 k. 

Susan. Bless me, how dark it's getting ! Let's hurry on into tlic 
house. I'm scared to be out here at night. 

.Jane. "Why, what have you to fear? 

Susan. What? Why men! I've heard so much about young 
ladies being carried ofl" in the very llower of their youth, 'and it 
ahvays happens about tlus time in the evening. Supposing some 
man should be concealed somewhere in the garden here, and we 
know nothing about it. I should so hate to be carried ofi', and by 
a man, too. (moon rises) Christopher Columbus! There's one 
now I Help! hel])! Brother Chailie! Murder! 

Jane. Be quiet, Avoman ! I will see who it is. 

Joshua. I hope you are not afraid of me, madam. 

Susan. 3Iiss, if you please! I am not married. 

Jane. Joshua Pratt! Don't be alarmed, sister, this gentleman 
is ]\[r. Pratt. Mr. Pratt, my sister-in-law. Miss 'VVindchester. 

Joshua. I'm een-a-raost tickled to death to see you. How do you 
come on? 

Susan. Oh, I'm pretty Avell ! 

Joshua. I'm glad to make your acquaintance, Miss Windchcster. 

Susan. I wonder if you really are. 

Joshua. To be sure and certain, I am. 

Susan. But you men are so deceiving. 

Joshua, Oh, no ! not all of us ! 



CAPTURED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TBIUMFII, 10 

Jane. Where have you been keeping- yourself, Joshua? 
Susan. What a pretty name I Joshua— Joshua Pratt, almost like 
Jack Spratt, ain't it ? 

lie-enler, Chaeles, /roui the house, raving. 

Charles. You crazy -headed old chatterbox! You know not what 
you have done, what a mischief you have wrought. This is the 
second time you have spoiled all ray labor Avith your infernal 
tongue. I was just planning a machine for tlie extermination of 
Hies and grasshoppers, but as j^ou liave disturbed me by your un- 
earthly yelling, you have confused nly ideas, and what is worse, 
there is no beginning over again. The machine was to grasp a fly 
by his right leg, plunge him into a red hoc furnace and there desti'oy 
him. " {exits again into house 

Susan. You see, Jane, he's just as I said he was, crazy on ma- 
chines. 

Jane. I wish to hear no more remarks concerning my husband. 
If you have anything to say about him, be kind enough to say it 
before his face. 

Susan. I would have told him so long ago, if he would give me a 
chance to get in a word once in awhile. I'll let him know what I 
think of him before I go home, see if I don't. And you, Jane, I 
don't think you are very well to-day. I guess you had better go 
into the house. You will catch cold out here, 1 know you will. 

Jane. I am quite comfortable, I assure you. 

Joshua. I've been clean out West since yau saw me, Jane. 

Susan. Law me thuz ! 

Joshua. Yes, I went clean out to Indiana. 

Sitsan. You don't tell ! 

Jane. Did you have a pleasant trip ? 
• Joshua. Never had a better time in my life. 

Susan. Do go into the house, Jane. I'm so afraid j'ou'll catch 
cold. I see you are getting hoarse already. 

Jane. Nonsense! all your imagination ! 

Susan. Have it all your own way then, but remember when you 
get sick, don't ask me to wait on you, for I shan't do it. 

Jane. I shall not trouble you , 'never fear. 

Susan. 1 wouldn't if I were you ; it won't do you any good to ! 

Jane. Susan, if you are going to continue this quarreliug,I shall 
retire into the house. 

Susan. AVell, I wish you icoxild go in. 

Jane. You enjoyed your trip, you say. How did you like the 
country and tiie people? I dare venture to sav, you did not find 
them the genial, friendly people, as a rule, we liave here at home, 
did you? ' 

Joshua. Course not ! There's no place like home. 

Susan. Are you deaf, Jane? Don't you hear brother Charlie 
calling for you? Go in and see what the bad mechanic wants with 
you. 

Jayie. Oh, did Charlie call ? I did not hear him. Please excuse 
me for a moment, Mr. Pratt, I must see what my husband want. I 
will be back shortly. (rjoing toward house 

Susan. I say, Jane, here's my book ! You can take it along with 
you, and if he didnH call, why you can read it till I come. I shan't 
belong. - - - ---^J!t 



to CAPrUBED; Cm, THE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. 

Jane. Aiiotlier device of lier's to get me out of the way. Is there I 
anythiiiij; iiioic detestable on the earth than an old maid? At all] 
events, i'jii jjlad I'm not one I {exita into the house 

Joshua. I'ardon me, you're here on a visit, hain't yon? 

^usan. "Well, partly on a vi.->it, and partly on bnsiness. 

Joshua. AVhore arc you from? 

Susan, rennsylvania. I was born and raised among the moun- 
tains, and if udthini!,- turns up, I'll die tliere, too. AVhere are you 
from ? 

Joshua. Oil, I was born and brought up in the country a few 
miles from liero. 

Susan. Are you married? 

Joshua. People call me an old batch. I'm too old to get married, 

Susan. How old are you ? 

Joshua. I'll he twenty-nine in September, {aside) There's a 
lie! {aloud) How old are you y 

Susan. I— Avhy, law, sir ! I'm twenty-two in October, {aside) 
There's another lie ! 

Joshua. Are you an old maid 

Susan. Sir! 

Joshna. I mean, are you still unmarried? 

Susan, Very much so! 1 haven't as yet given up my heart to 
any man. INIen are so treacherous, you know. 

Joshua. Not all of them hain't! 

Susan. "Well, good men are far, and few between. 

Joshua. Well, now, what's your opinion of me? 

Susan. Well, I don't know. I don't think you're any better than 
the rest of them. Yet, you are a right smart looking cliap. Do you 
own property ? 

Joshua. I've got a farm near here, four hundred b}' six, but 

Susan. And you hain't married? Bless me, how you do talk! 
But why don't you get married ? Can't vou And a wife ? 

Joshila. I'd like to get hold of a good wife. 

Susan, "Well, you can. I'd like to get hold of a good husband. 
That's what I came here for in the first place, but I haven't seen 
any one that suits me yet, except {looks tenderly at Joshua 

Joshua. Except who ? 

Susan. Pardon my blushes, you, sir. {bashful business 

Joshua. You think I'm a nice fellow, do you? AVell, perhaps, I 
am; but j'ou're a tarnation fine critter yourself. If ever I marry, I 
want a girl that looks just like 

Susaii. Who ? 

Joshua. You? Will yon be mine? 

Susan. Oh, if my poor papa were only alive ! 

Joshua, {putting his arm about her I'saist) Don't you think M'e 
V'ould make a right square looking couple? 

Susan. Have you any money in the bank ? 

Joshua, Oh, yes! 

Susan. I think wo would, {falling back into his arms 

Joshua. And you will be mine ? 

Susan, To-night! {kisses him violently 

Joshua, We're engaged ! Let us put off the ceremony till to^ 
morrow, darling. 

Susan, Just as you want, love; but let it be soon as possible. 

Joshua, To-morrow, then, my dear Miss Windchester. 



CAPTUBED; OJi, THE OLD 31 AID'S TJilUMPII. 21 

Susan. Call lue Susie, clear. But, to business ! I'll tell j'ou all 
about what we will do when we are married, dearest. 
JosJma. Sit in my lap, then, sweetness I 

Susan, {sloichj yielding) Why, Joshua, I coulda't do that, not at 
least till we arc married. Well, then, anything to please you, love. 
Put your arm around me, so I won't fall off of your lap. You had 
better pnt both arms around me. I don't think you can hold me 
with one arm. 

Joshua. Is that better? {putting both arms around her 

Susan. Yes, some, but you don't hold tight enough', I'm afraid 
you will let me fall. Thei'e, now, I guess you've broke one of my 
steels ! Well, as I Avas going to say when you interrupted me, we'll 
get married early to-morrow morning, then we'll go home to Penn- 
sylvany on a wedding trip. Y^'ou'll see Sallie Jane, then. 

Joshua. Who's Sallie Jane? 

Susan. She's one of my neighbors that I got to take care of my 
house for me while I'm gone. A little closer, Joshua ! "There's 
nothing half so sweet in life, as young love's dream." {hugging him 

Joshua, No, nothiu' ! {Bat crosses stage from l,. to R. 

Susan. Christopher Columbus! What's that? (jumps upon the 
bench, and holds her skirts very high ) Brother Charlie ! Help I 
Charlie, I say I Joshua, beat around those bushes with your hat, 
and scare it away. 

Joshua, (leaps up beside her) These rats bite like fury, j-ou know, 
and I'm afraid it will run up my trowsers. 

Susan. Be careful, then, and don't dispose yourself. 

Joshua. I don't intend to ! 

Susan. Help! thieves! Jane! Brother Charlie ! Rats I 

Joshua. Yes; rats! 

Be-enter Charles, in night-gown and night-cap, from the house, 

Charles. What the deuce is the matter with you now ? You've 
woke me out of a sound sleep, by j'our confounded clamor. 

Susati. Save yourself, man ! there's a rat down there in the grass, 
and if you don't take care, he'll bite you. 

Charles. Only a rat! (rat is drawn through again, over Charles' 
feet; he jumps upon bench) Good gracious! Why didn't you tell 
me he was coming ! It might have run up under my nightshirt. 

Susan. Get down there, one of you men, and kill it. I can see it 
there under the corner of the bench. Step on it, Joshua, iny Joshua I 

Joshua. It might run up my leg. 

Susan. Then, Charles, you get down. 

Charles. Not I ! Not in a hurry ! Oh, if I could only get to my 
studio, I could plan a machine for the complete extermination of 
rats. 

Susan. The deuce take you and j^our machines, tool You're 
blowing here, wdiile you might be scaring the rat away. 1 don't 
want to stand here all night. 

Charles. If you want it away so bad, why don't you get down and 
let it see you, that will scare it away. 

Susan. Y'ou're a saucy brat, and'if you hain't mighty careful, I'll 
tell Jane how I caught you the other day kissing Polly. 



S2 CAP TUBED; OB, THE OLD ^TAUr S TBIUMPE. 

Charles. Sister, you areljing; you nevi-r saw me kiss 

i: liter, J Aifs^, from the house. 

Jane. What is the cause of this clistiu-bance? 

Susan. There's a rat under the bench, and Charlie won't get 
tlown and drive it away. 

Ja7ie. A rat? Let me see! {looking about) I see notliing; you 
must be mistalven. 

Susan. No, I wasn't mistaken ; nothing of the sort. 

Charles, (jumping down from bench) You might know there's no 
rat there ! What are you afraid of? 

Susan. You're awful brave now, but I'm just a going to tell Jane 
all about your kissing Polly. 

Jane. What I He kissed Polly ? 

Susan. Yes, he did that, for 1 seen him with my own eyes. They 
^vere standing right over there in the garden, when I saw him kiss 
her. 

Charles. That is a lie 1 Jane, my dear, don't believe one word 
she says. 

Jane. I don't, Charles, for I know that you Avouldn't kiss any one 
but me; would you, love? 

Charles. No, darling ! 

[tmbraeing; Charles smiles over her shoulder 

Jane. There, I knew you would not. As for you, Susan, you 
had better pack up and go home to-morrow, for you have done 
nothing but f[uarrel, and try to originate quarrels ever since you 
came here. 

Susan. I'm going home to-morrow, anyhow, and I'm going to 
take a husband with me, too ! 

Charles. You had better find one first. 

Jane. Yes, where are you going to get him? 

Susan. Oh, I've got him, and here he is ! {chord 

Charles. \ y^^ , jogi^^^j 

Jane. ( 

Joshua. Yes, Cliarles, we're going to be married to-morrow. 

Susan. To-morrow! To-night! "We'll be married and started 
for home this very night. 

Jane. That is the best way. 

Susan. That's just the wa}^ we're going to do. 

(exit Susan, into house 

Charles. What is she going to do, now? 

Jane. Get ready to go home, I should imagine. 

Charles. And is it true, Joshua, that you are going to marry her? 

Joshua. Well, so she says, Charles, and I think we will get on 
right well together. 

Charles. I hope so ; but you have my sympathy. 

Bc-enter, Susan, it-ith bandboxes, xvhich she hands to Joshua, loading 
him toith them. 

Susan, Come, Joshua ! You'll never be sorry j'ou got me for a 
Avifo. 

Jane. Well, Susan, como up sometime again. 

Susan. We will! we will I Just you wait about eighteen years 
and a half, till I do, will you ? Come, Joshua, it's almost time for 
the gtage-coaeh, — - 



CAPTUIiED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. P.S 

Charles. Biit you are surely not going to take Joshua home with 
j'ou before you are married I 

Susan. Yes, 1 am; and I'll thank j-ou for none of your undelicatc 
insinuations, neither, {to Jane) Jane, I told you you'd be differ- 
ent from the rest of my sister-in-laws, if you wasn't g'ad when I 
■went away, and I lind you are just as bad as the rest of them. 

June. I have had sufllcient cause to be out of all patience with 
you. 

Susan. Have your own way ; good-bye; When you come to sco 
me some day, just step past ray door. 

Jane. Thank you ; I shall be only too pleased to do so. 

Susan. Well, mind you do it, too. Good-bye, brother ; I hope 
you may change for the better or else go clean crazy, for I don't 
like this halfway business. You're a bad machinist, and everything 
else that's bad. 

Jane. Susan, take my advice. Don't marry in such haste; you 
scarcelj^ know each other yet. (Joshua goes ti. l. to the gate 

Susan. I don't want to know any more than I do know. I've got 
a man that'll make a better husband than j'ou've ever had; or, if" he 
don't, I'll make one out of him. I s'pose it would just suit you if I 
was never to get married at all, but I've been an old maid just as 
long as I'm a going to, now then ! I'm coming, Josluia. 

Charles. Well, since you are determined, take good care of your- 
self. I wish you a happy futuie, sister. 

Susan. Just as kind as you can be! Wishes are cheap ! {to 
Joshua) I'll be there directly, Joshua! 

Jane. Susan, allow me also to wish you as much joj- as my hus- 
band has expressed. 

Susan. "As my husdand has expressed !" 1 always thought you 
were Irish. 

Joshua. The coach is coming around the bend. Be quick; thej^'ro 
late and won't wait long on u.s. {noise of stage coach off ii. v. n:. 

Susan. All right — but my parasol! Christopher Columbus! I 
like to have forgot it. Joshua, you stop the coach, or — well, I'll go 
and get it. You stop the coach. Now^, then, for my room on the 
fifth floor. Oh, for an elevator ! 

SusAX rushes into house at l.; noise of coach approaching. 

Joshua. Hurry, Susan, or we'll be left! You tarnal old fool, 
hurry up! The coach is here, (noise v..) Hold on there! (noise 
of coachman stopping horses) Susan! {noise loithin houso 

Susan, {icithin) I'm coming! Oh, we'll be left, sure! 

Enter, Susax, from the house. 

Joshua. Hurry on! The driver Avon't wait a minute on us. 

Susan. I'm coming! (J osnvx drops bandboxes; Susaij falls over 
them) Christopher Columbus ! Joshua, pick these things up or we'll 
be left, sure! (he picks them ud, hurriedhj 

Charles, Good gracious, Susan, are you hurt? Well, good-bye; 
good-bye. {btisiness; all exit hastily, n. 



END OP ACT Iir» 



U CAPTUIiED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S imUMPB, 

ACT IV. 

SCENE I. — Kitchen in Susan Windchester's house; table t., 
chairs, cupboard, old-fashioned clock, k, u., basket toith knitting, 
n., practicable window at l. fiat. 

Sallie discovered weeping, 

Sallie. I've almost killed myself dead, trying to get this house 
cleaned up before Susan comes home. So, she's married ! Laws ! 
The more I think of it, the more I ^YOnder what the man married 
that old thing for. I pity him ; I do so. He'll be sorry enough that 
he ever married her, I know he will. She's beat me at catching a 
husband, for I've been laying these seven years, watching, and 
hain't seen a sight of one yet. {noise outside) I wonder if this is 
them coming. I know her step; it's the old gal herself! 

Susan, (icithout) I tell you I will send Joshua up to-morrow to 
pay for our ride, and if you don't like it that way, you needn't lilie 
it at all. Don't bother me witli hack bills during my honeymoon. 
Come, Joshua; see all my geese and chickens. 

Sallie. It's her, sure enough. 

Enter, Susan, d. in r. f., dressed in her wedding dress and leading 
Joshua by the end of her parasol; he, loaded with bandboxes. 

Snsan. There are thirty-two of them, Joshua, and all mine, too. 
{to Sallie) AVhy, Sallie, how do you come on? {kisses her) You've 
^rown fatter since I hist saw you, all at my expense, too, I'm afraid. 
I suppose you got ray letter by telegnipli, didn't you? 

Sallie. Just this morning, Sue. 

Susan. This is my husband, Sallie, and just be good enough to 
remember that he's mine, and not yours, so no fallarity, mind. 
(Joshua boics and drops boxes; business of picking them wp) There, 
I knew you'd do that, {to Sallie) Sallie, why didn't you have a 
lunch made for us? I hain't had a bite to eat since yesterday morn- 
ing. Joshua didn't have his pocket-book with him, so it took all 
tliat I had to pay our car fare. ( to Joshua) You can lay down my 
boxes, Joshua. (.Joshua sets them doivn; stands looking around 

Sallie. I didn't exjiect you quite so soon as this, or I would have 
got you something. 

Susan. Well, I'll help you as soon as I change my clothes; but 
liow do you like my dress ? 

Sallie. Oh, it's lovely. Sue ! 

Susan. Ain't it? I had it made before I left home, for fear that 
matrimonial accident might happen. 

{removes shawl, bonnet and dress, tinder ichich isas7iabbi/ old dress 

Sallie. Did you enjoy your trip. Sue? 

Susan. Why, yes, right well, considering. You sec, we didn't 
^et married until we were started for home. We stopped in New 
Vork and were marrieil there. 

Sallie, AVhy didn't you get married at your brother's. Sue? 

Susan. Weil, he Avanted us to awful bad, but we wanted a roman- 
tip wedding, so on the repulse of the moment, we left for New York. 



CAPTtJIiED; OB, THE OLD MAIL'S TRTUMPH. SJ 

(piits on her spectacles, brings a howl of potatoes from the cupboard and 
peals, after counting them) Joshua forgot to bi-ing his pocket-book 
along, and if it hadn't been for me, Ave wouldn't of had enough 
money to bring ns home. AVhy, Christopher Cohimbus, Sallie! 
Avhere are the rest of my potatoes";:' 

Sallie, That's all there are left, Sue. 

Susan. This? Why, there were tliirtj'-seven here when I went 
away, and now there's only nineteen. I guess j'ou ate a good deal 
wliiie I was away, didn't you? 

Sallie. I guess not. 

Susan. You didn't carry anything home, did you ? 

Sallie. No, I didn't, and I didn't think you mistrusted me so, or 
1 wouldn't have taken care of your house for j'ou. 

Susan. Well, you needn't get mad about it! 

Sallie. From the way you talk, a person would be led to think 
that I was a thief. 

Susan. Oh, no; they wouldn't think that. Let's hurry up, for 
I'm almost starved to death. (Sallie lays thetable, c, and listens 

Susan. Sit down, Joshua, and make yourself nt home. I guess, 
though — yes, I guess we might as well begin to talk business, (sit- 
inij dose together) Joshua, you see, dear Joshua, there is a little 
mortgnge of two thousand dollars on this house and lot. 

Joshua. A mortgage I two thousand dollnrs I Good gracious I 

{J7imps up, then sits doxon 

Susan. Yes, two thousand I I guess you had better draw the 
money from your bank down East and pay it, so tliat we'll be 
through W'ilh it, and have it olf our minds. 

Joshua. Think so, do you ? Well 

Susan. Yes. Then I want the money to buy a red silk dress for 
Sunday, and as this is our honeymoon, we won't get any common 
trash, but a first-class dress, and that will be fifty or seventy-five 
dollars, then there are some other things 

Joshiia. Whew! (ichistles 

Susan. What's the mritter? Don't you like it? 

Joshua. Of course ; you can have your own way. 

Susan. I intend to, dearest, so you had better send a raft up to 
your bank down East, and get the money, for I want the claim paid 
off 

Joshua. Well, to tell you the truth 

Susan. Well, what? 

Joshua. To tell you the truth, I hain't got a cent in the bank. I — 

Susan. What! {jumping up, surprised — to Sallik) Sallie, you 
run out into the yard for a while, and tell me if any one comes. Go 
along, now, in a hurry. 

Sallie. (aside) Now he'll catch it. I'll watch the fun through 
the window. 

(exit through door in flat l., and appears at xoindow in L. flat 
Susan, (angrily) So you haven't a cent in the bank, eh? 
Joshua, Not a solitary penn5\ 
Susan. But you told me 3'ou had some. 
Joshua. So I had once, but that's not now. 

Susan. No, but now is now, though; how do you me.in to live? 
(quietly, as she sits down) But, Joshua, are you really in earnest, 
and haven't you got no money in the bank at all? Tell me the 
straight truth. 



ff6 CAPTUBED; 07?, THE OLD MAID'S TPJUMPH. 

Joshua. I told you I haven't a cent 1 

Susan. Well, deary me — but you have your land. Let me see! 
Four hundred acres by six hundred acres, down East, might bring 
in c.-nsiderable. 

J'luliua. Feet! Four hundred feet by six liundrcd feet, I snld. 

Susan, (excited) Feet! Feet!! You said four hundred aeresi 
"by six hundred acres, and I'll swear to it ! 

[she jumps iip, and drops bowl of potatoes 

Jushua. Swear away, then ! 

Susan, (calls) Sallie! Sallie ! 

Enter, Sallie, d. in l. f. 

Susan. Why don't j'ou come when you're called? I've called 
you three times, now. 

Sallie. What do you want? 

Susan, (picks 2ip potatoes) Here are your potatoes; (giving the 
howl) now do hurry up the dinner. 

Sallie. It will be ready in a few minutes. 

Susan. I appoint you a committee of one to see that it is. 

(exit Sallie, t>. in l. f. 

Joshua. My land is 

Susan, What's that you say? 

Joshua. I liaven't paid the taxes on my land for seven j-ears back, 
£0 I don't know whether it is mine any more or not, but I 

Susan. AVlmt! The land ain't yours neither ? Oh, you wretch 1 
to deceive me lilce this, but I'll fix you, you good-for-nothing vaga- 
bond ! 

Susan c/iflscs him about the room, pulls his hair, throws him down, 
bumps his head on the floor, then sits down on him. 

Joshua, (tries to get up) Let me uj)! 

Susan. I won't do nothing of the kind, you miserable, deceitful, 
old wretch ! 

Joshxta. Old! You needn't say anytliing! If you hadn't got me 
as 3'ou did, you'd never liave got any one, no how, 

Susan. I wouldn't, hey ! I could have had litty husbands if I 
wanted, for I am still young and attractive. 

(lakes knitting f7-om pocket, andknits 

Joshua. Let me up; j^ou hurt like sixty! 

Susan. I didn't know what I was getting when I married you, 
or I wouldn't have accepted you. If I'd only listened to brother 
Charlie; but no, I didn't mind him, and now I've j;ot my reward. 
But if you want to live with me, j^ou liave got to go to work and 
keep nie as you should do, do you hear? 

Joshua. Let me up, you're mashing me ! (b^isiness 

Susan. I don't care if I smash you all into little bits. You de- 
serve a good thrashing, so you do! But you're mine, now, and you 
have got to do just wiiat I want j-ou to, or I'll know the reason. I 
don't mean to be hard on you; there's jdenty of time for that, yet. 
You thought sit still, now, or I'll curt" j'ou. 

Joshua, (struggles to get up) You'd better leave me uj)! 

Susan. If you want to get up you must say, "can Ave get up.'' 

Joshua. I won't do nothing of the sort ! 

Susan. Then you'll lay here till you do. You thought you'd 
get some one that would keep you, didn't you? I will keei) vqu 
and n good switch, too. ' •' { 



CAP TUBED; Oli, THE OLD MAID'S TPJUMPIT. S7 

Joshua. Let me up ! I'm as flat as a Loartl. 

Susan. Say, "can we get up," then. 

Joshua, iVon't! 

Sit'-an. You won't get up very soon, unless you Ho. 

Joshua. Don't like to ! 

Sns'in. I don't care whether you like to or not, I want j'ou to. If 
yo ! i'on't ask me pretty soon, now, I'll make you. 

f -kaa. (pause; submissively) Can we get up? 

,'•11^0.11. We can. {both rise) Now, if you'd have said that before, 
you wouldn't have been all jammed up in a heap, (calls) Sallie ! 

Enter, Sallie, d. in l. f. 

Susan. Ain't dinner ready yet? 

Sallie. It's all ready, Sue. 

Susan. Tlicn why don't you bring it in? 

Sallie. You told me a while ago, I was to stay out till you — 

Susan. Xever mind what I told you ! Bring it in right away. 

( exit Sallie, d. in l. f. 
Joshua. Can we sit down to the dinner table? 
Susan. We can, but you must say my dinner table ; for it's mine, 
not yours. 

SusAX and Joshua seat themselves at either head of the table. Sallie 
enters, D. in L. F., ivith several dishes u-hich she places on the 
table, c. 

Stisan. Sit down now, Sallie. (Sallie sits, c.) How did yon 
enjoy yourself while I was away? 

Sallie. Oh, very well! Did you have a good time? 
Susan. Weil, no; I can't say that I did. My brotlier Charlie has 
got to be as crazy as a loon. He didn't treat me half as civil as lie 
used to when I visited him ; and his Avife is a sneaking, meddlesome 
thing, always trying to raise a fuss, no matter how good you treat 
her. 

Sallie. I didn't expect to see you bring a husband home with you. 

Susan. Yes, and a pretty husband he is, too! Do you know, 
Sallie, tliat that man deceived me. 

Sallie. Deceived you ! What do you mean ? 

Susan. AVhy, he told me he had money in the bank, and a farm 
down East, four hundred acres by six hundred acres. 

Joshua. I said four hundred feet by six hundred feet. 

Susan. (£o Joshua) Hold your tongue ! (<o Sallie) And even 
that don't belong to him, for lie ain't paid a cent of taxes on it for 
seven years. 

Sallie. Mercy me! i 

Susan. And now I And out he ain't got one penny in the baijk, 
neither. ;V 

Sallie. You don't tell ! 

Susan. That's just what I've been tellioig you ! 

Sallie. (^0 Joshua) So you ain't worth nothing? 

Joshua. Oh, yes, I am ; or if I am not, my aunt is. 

Sallie. Well, that won't do you any good. 

Susan. Of course it won't! But I must tell you, Sallie, about a 
young chap that wanted to marry me dow East, yonder. His name 
was Westtield — Frank Westfield. He came to see me, aijcl ttiade 
love to me, the worst wayr:— "'"^ ""' ''' -C-^JSy-V^^"" 



SS CAPTURED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TBIVMPR. 

Sallie. (to Joshua) Yoa lived up in Vermont, didn't you? 
somewhere near wliere Susan was. 

Joslnia. Well, yes; a few miles from where she was. I live sis- 
teen miles out of Eurliiioton. 

Sitsan. (resuming) As 1 w:is saying, he made love 

Sallie. (^0 Joshua) Do you remember a family that used to live 
near there, named Saddle? 

Joshua. Do I know old Phil Saldle? Well, now, I reckon I do, 

Snsan. {restiming) 1 w;!s about to say, that 

Sallie. (fo Joshua) Do you remember the oldest daughter? I 
think her name was Jane. 

Joshua. Of course I do ! The red headed girl. 

Sallie. 'J'hat's the one ! That's tlie one I mean. 

Susan. {resu}nii)r/) lie made love 

Sallie. 1 knew her well. She came down to Pennsylvania here 
and got married. 

Susan, (resuming) He made love to me and asked me to marry 
him. Well, I accepted his ofter, but I found out afterwards, that he 
Avas a married man — and had a wife. And would j'ou believe it, he 
denied that he ever asked me to marry him. 1 could have sued that 
man for breach of promise, and got alimony. 

Sallie. (to Joshua) Jane was a wild girl, wasn't she? 

Susan. Then there was another one that wonted to maiTy me, 
Sam Sly. He was a nice little fellow and 

Joshua, {to Sallie) Did you know any of Jane's sisters? 

Sallie. Xo, but there w-.:re seven of them. 

Susan. I said he was a nice young fellow 

Sallie. {to Joshua) But did you know 

Susan, (angrily) Christopher Columbus ! Can't you give me a 
chance? 1 want you to dry up Avhen I'm talking to you. Now, I 
shan't tell you another thing. What kind of soup was that? 

Sallie. Why, it was vegetable. 

Susan. It was fowl. 

Sallie. No ; it was vegetable. 

Susan. Well, it had a very fowl taste anyway. What kind of 
vegetables did you put in it? It tastes as if there were birds of the 
sea, and fish of the air in it. 

Sallie. I did my best at cooking it. Sue. 

Susan. Your best is very bad then, for I couldn't eat it. What is 
this dish here? 

Sallie. Beefsteak and onions. 

Susan, (to Joshua) Want some of this stuff, Joshua? 

Joshua. Onl.y just a ketle bit. (takes a large piece 

Susan. "Why don't you take the whole business? (fo Sallie) 
What's in this 'dish, Sallie? 

Sallie. Poached eggs, and they're nice, if I do say it myself. 

Susan. They look tolerable, but they're not done well. Have 
some, Joshua? 

Joshua. Only a half a one. (helping himself, and passes to Sallik 

Susan. Half of the dish, you mean, {to Sallie) Now, Sallie, 
don't eat that all up from us. Just hand me that dish. Eemember 
there's some one else at the table beside yourself. Are you sure 
there's no hair in this butter? 

Sallie. Of course there ain't ! 

Susan. I don't know, but it seems to nie, Sallie, that you have a 
terrible appetite. This meat is tougher than sole leather. fiST^ 
^.Bpiher j^iece, Joshua? 



CAPTUHED; OB, THE OLD MAIL'S TmUMTH. '^0 

Joshua. Only a t'er;/ small piece. {talces large piece 

Susan. Call that a small piece? Why, it's a whole round I I 
guess they didn't feed you vevj^ Avell at home, (to Sallik) What 
kind of pie is this? {takes vp pie in her hands 

Sallie. Blackberry ; can't you see? 

iSusan. The crust's too thick ! If I were you, I'd make one more 
pie, then quit. Here, Joshua ! {handing him the piQ , 

Joshua. I'll take a very small piece of the pie. 

Susan. You said j'ou went West, once; how did you go there? 

Joshua. I went on the cars. 

Susan. IIow could you go on the cars, if you didn't have any 
money. ' 

Joshua. I boarded a freight train, and beat my way out. 

Susan. You loafing tramp ! 

(throifjs teaspoons; J osnv a jumps up i 

Sallie. For shame, Sue; how you do act! You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself. (Sallie AoW« her hand I 

Su^an. Well, sit down, Joshua. (Joshua sits at table) I s'i)0se 
I've got to get along with you the best I can. 

Joshua. Yes ; you had better make up your mind that w^y. 

Sallie. Shall I bring in the rest of the desert? 

Susan. No, for mercy sake don't, for Joshua hasn't left anything 
of this table but a desert, {knock at the door, r.) There's some one 
at the door, Sallie. Eun quick, before they knock the house down ! 
If it's that nasty Belinda Sykes, why tell her I hain't got home, yet. 

{exit Sallik, d. in l. f. 

Joshua. Sliall I change my clothes? 

Susan. You must ask me first if I will let you change our clothes. 

Joshua. May I change our clothes? 

Susan. Yes ; bye and bye. 

Enter, Sallik, p. in l. f., vjith envelope 

Sallie. A telegraph dispatch ! 

Susan. It's a mistake ; it don't belong here ! 

Sallie It is directed to you, Susan. 

Siisan. Can't help It ! Let me see ; so it is, I swan ! Now, who 
can be writing to me, I wonder. How nervous I am ! 

SoUie. The boy is waiting for 

Susan. Tell him it's all right. 

Sullie. But he wants twenty-five cents charges on it. 

Susan. What ! 

Sallie. I said the boy wants twentv-five cents charges on it. 

Susan. Here, tell him I don't want it. 

Sallie. Wh3% it'sonly a quarter ! 

Susan. Tell him I guess I don't need any to-day. 

Sallie, But perhaps it's something important; some good news, 
most likely. 

Susav. I wonder if it is. 

Joshua. I'll bet it's good news! 

Susan. I guess I'll buy it. Now, Sallie, how much did you say 
it was ? 

Sallie. Two shillings. 

Susan, {taking oiit her pocket-book, reluctantly) There's the money ! 

{(Jives coin; Sallie exits, d. in l, f. 



SQ CAPTURED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TlilUMPH. 

Enter, Sallie, d. in l. f. 

Susan. iS'ow, I want to read the good news, (opens dispatch; 
reads) "Ni.a-ht message" — no, that ain't it! "Dear Sister — Jane 
and 1 — euroiite for California — will be at your house almost im- 
mediately. Charles." (drops letter and looks at Joshua) This is 
your good news, is it? And I'm twenty-five cents out to Icnow 
that ray fool of a brother is coming to see me. (to Joshua) It was 
all your fault, too; if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have got it 
at all. (io Sallik) Has the boy gone? 

Sallie. Yes, long ago ! 

Susan. Drat the telegraph! I wish I had my two shillings back! 

Sallie. Ain't you glad they're coming to see j^ou, Sue? 
They will be such good company for you. 

Joshua sits l., falls asleep 

Susan. Yes; they'll be very good company, and eat me out of 
house and home. 

Sallie. I'll bet they didn't talk so of you when you were there. 

Susan. Perhaps they didn't say much about it, but they thought 
a good deal about it. They were always ordering me to go back 
home. 

Sallie. TheyAvere! 

Susan. Then, they were ahvay^; telling me I talked too much. 
Xow, you know yourself, Sallie, that I am a woman of very few 
Avords. 

Sallie. Oh, I don't know, Sue! You say a good deal when you 
once get started. 

Susan. I don't do nothing of the kind. 1 never speak but when 
I'm spoken to, and then very little, and you know it, too. And you, 
too, don't you, Joshua. (Joshua ivakes suddenly 

Joshua. Eh? Yes. 

Susan. There, you hear what Joshua sas's! So I'm not going to 
quarrel with you. Go on with your work and I'll do miue. They'll 
be here pretty soo«, now, so rid' the table and hide the pie and beef- 
steak and the eggs. Put on the tea and lots of water, for they'll be 
thirsty when they get here. 

Sallie. You ought to give them the best 

Susan. Do you own this house or do I? 

Sallie. You do, I reckon. 

Susan. Then I intend to have things done to suit myself and not 
to suit you. I'll have my say in this shanty, just as long as I'm 
boss of it. So you can put on some turnips and salt and some 
potatoes, tea and water, and the biscuit. That's good enough for 
anyone, and if they don't like it, they can go somewhere else. Let 
them go to the hotel. (the>j arrange table 

Sallie. It's almost time for the fast train, now; (whistle outside) 
and there it comes. 

Susan. Sure enough! I must wake Joshua. See here, Sallie, 
('points to Joshua) Ain't that a pretty looking thing to call husband? 
Joshua I (shaking him 

Joshua. All right! all right! (falls asleep again 

Siisan. That fellow's tired to death. We've had a big journey, 
Sallie. 

Sallie. I hear some one at the gate. 

Susan. Go into the kitchen, and put out the fire, just as quick as 
,eYer you can, so we'll not have to cook anything for them. 



CAPTUEED; OB, THE OLD 3IA1D'S TIUUMPH. 3t 

SalUe, But, don't you think 

Susan. That you had better put out the fire as I told you, yes; 
now, no words, (exit, 8allie, d, in l. f.) I guess I'll do some 
ironing, {gets ironivij-bourd and flat-iron, also a basket of clothes 
from D. in i.. F.; shi' places the irunimj-hoard on the backs of two chairs 
and irons) I huven't liad tiiue to loolc at "Mother Goose" now, for 
three days and a half. Here tlicy come ! 

iiTji/er, Cn.vKLES rtii(i Jane. Susan js ironing a pair of drawers and 
does not seem to notice them. 

Charles. Well, sister I (Susan hums a tune, not heeding them 

Jane. She does not hear }-ou. 

Charles. Well, sister! (Susan screams as if frightened 

Suscm. Mercy ! goodness me, how you scared me ! I'll never get 
over this shock, the longest day I live. How do you both come on? 
Sit dov.'n anywliere, and don't mind my house, for it's all upside 
down. So you managed to come down, did you? 

Charles. Yes ; I am going to take a rest for a while, and see the 
country. {thcg put their tcraps on a chair 

Jane, (to Susan) You arrived home'in safety, I see. 

Susan. It looks pretty much that waj'. 

Charles. No doubt j'ou are quite surprised at our visit. 

Susan. I don't get surprised at nothing now-a-days. 

Jane. You received our telegraph dispatch, did you not? 

Susan. Yes, I did; and paid twenty-tive cents for it, too. 

Charles. Then there was a mistalve made, for I paid for it also. 
Here is your quarter, Sue. \ {hands her the money 

Susan, {taking money) The idea! Brother, you always were so 
precise about everything. What's a quarter? 

Charles. Two shillings, or twenty-tive cents. Have j'ou had 
your dinner yet, sister? 

Susan. Oh, yes, I've had my dinner long ago. 

Charles. Can't you set us up a lunch? We are very hungry. We 
did not iiave any breakfast this morning; the train being beliind 
time, tliey did not stop. 

Susan. Well, there's all I have cooked, on the table. You see 
my lire's gone out, and I wasn't expecting you at all. I guess you'll 
find all you want there though, so sit down and help yourselves. 

Jane. Thank you ! (Charles aucZ Jake seat themselves at table) 
What lovely turnips! 

Charles, {to Susan) When did you get home? 

Susan. Just got home about an hour before you came. You see, 
Joshua and 1 stopped off in New Yoik to get married. 

Charles. Indeed! (drops a biscuit on the floor 

Susan. Yes, we were married at six o'clock, Wednesday morn- 
ing. 

Jane. Do a'Ou do your own Avashing, Susan? 

Susan. No, my neighbor's little girl, Sallie, does all my washing. 

Jane. How do you keep your irons warm? 

Susan. Mytlatirons? Oh, why, I— I— why, I keep them warm 
on a little stove that ain't big enough to cook on. 

Charles. Is your husband asleep ? ' 

Susan. Yes ! 

Charles. Arp you quite sur^ of it? 



S^ CAFTUllED; OB, THE OLD MAID'S TBIUMPH. 

Susan. Of course I am I (calls) Joshua! Joshua! There, dido'i 
I tell you he was asleep? What do you want with him? anything 
jparticular? if not, I'll let him sleep; he's so tired out. 

Charles. Don't W'ake him. All I want to ask you is— are you 
satisfied with your choice? 

Susan. Well, to tell the truth, brother, I ain't. Do you know 
that it seems to me as if I've been dreaming ever since our marriage, 
and I find that Joshua ain't worth a cent. 

Charles. I could have told you that long ago. 

Susan. AVhy didn't you, then? But "I've got him now, and I 
suppose I must make the best of it. Eat up your turnip, brother, 
and have another one ; and you, Jane, you're not eating at all. You 
must help yourselves. What possessed you to go out AVest? You 
never thought of such a thing while I was visiting with you. 

Charles. I know we didn't, but we received a letter from brother 
Jim, inviting us to come out and spend the summer Avith him in 
Sacramento; and as everything was so dull at home we concluded to 
go, and here we are. 

Susan. I wonder why he don't ask me to come out any more. I 
suppose he ain't got over tliat quarrel we had when I was out there 
two years ago, bat I don't care, though, for it was his fault. His 
wife was always trying to pick on me, and 1 don't believe she'll ever 
get over his paying my railroad fare out and back. 

Charles. Well, Susan, I don't know. Jim's wife is a very nice 
woman; I may say, a genius. She has invented a machine, which 
will, after a few years, immortalize her, although at present she is, 
lilie myself, unappreciated. Civilization is not yet far enough ad- 
vanced to conceive our greatness. I don't think her the womaa to 
begrudge you so small a favor as tliat. 

Susan. Well, that's all you know about her, then ! I could never 
come into that house, but what she kept staring at me as if I was a 
thief. 

Charles. You only imagined so, Susan. 

Susan. How do you like those biscuit? Don't you think there's 
too much shortening in them? 

Jajie. Why, no; they are perfectly delicious ! 

(exchanges glances with Charles 

Siisan. How long are you going to stay with me? 

Charles. We intended to stay till to-morrow night with you 

Susan. Well, really, brother, I haven't 

Charles. But we are going to pay our board, so you will not be 
out any by our sta5\ (taking out his pocket-book 

Susan. Now, brother, I never thought of that ! (Charles hands 
her ten dollars) Why, Charlie! here, lake it! I shan't keep it any- 
how. Y'ou always were the strangest boy I (calls) Sallie ! 

Enter, Sallie, in different dress. 

Sallie. What is it. Sue? 

Susan. They are ready for the desert. Bring in some eoup, and 
the eggs and— and one of them pies. 
' Sallie. In a minute. (exit Sallib 

Susan. I must wake Joshua. Seems to me that man's done 
nothing but sleep ever since we were married I [shakes, and calls) 
Joshua! Joshiial ! (Jojshua 



CAI'lUUED; OB, TnE OLD MAID'S TRIUMPH. S3 

fS'usan. Vi'iiUc up! Here's brother Charlie and Jane. 

Joshua. Well, I swan! I'm een a most tickled to death to see 
you. How do you conic on? (business of shaking hands 

Charles. Quite well. You seem to be having a good nap. 

Joshua. Yes; I'm so tarnal sleepy I can't keep my eyes open. 
But what brings you here? 

Charles. ^Ve are on our way to California, and thought we would 
6top over and visit j'ou here in yoin- home. 

Susan. 77(s home, indeed! 3I)j home, j'Ou mean, for he don't 
own a thing about it. 

Joshua. What's j'ours is mine, wife. 

iSiisan. Kow, Joshua, don't let me hear any more of that, or I'll 
give you a tlirashing you may call your own. {boxes his ears 

Jane. You are beginning early. Sue. 

Susan. Can't help it! The earliei , the sooner ! 

Enter, Sallie, with tray of dinner things, tohich she places on the 

table. 

Susan. That's right! Set them down, Sallie. Well, brother, 
how is everything out your way? 

Charles. Well, you ought to know, when you just came from 
there. (Joshua sleeps again 

Susan. Oh, pshaw! Of course; Ifor^rot! (;o Joshua) Joshua! 
There, he's asleep again ! I've got a good mind to upset him, chair 
and all ; 1 have so. 

Jtine. Ko, no! Let him sleep. See how tired he is, poor fellow! 

Susan. Brother, I'm not at all inquisitive, as you well know, but 
I want you to tell me all j-ou know about Joshua, 

Charles. If yott want to know so bad, all I can say is this. You 
see, Joshua was a wealthy farmer eight or nine years ago 

Susan. You don't tell ! 

Charles. Yes; but he got to sciuandering his money recklessly. 
He drove fast horses, and— well, at last he went a man's security fur 
the payment of a large amount of money. AV'ell, it was the old story 
over again. The man could not juiy it, and so Joshua lost all his 
propertj'. 

Susaii. Why, how you do talk ! 

Charles. He managed, however, to live with his brotlier up to 
the time he married you, and Heaven only knows what would have 
become of him, if it had not been for your taking ium as you did. 

Susan. I can't believe that I'm awake, somehow or other. Here 
Ijrother, I want you to pinch mo. (Charles pinches her) Xot so' 
hard! Ough ! Good land, I didn't tell you to pinch me in two, 
did I? I'm not a piece of machinery ! AVluit more do you know? 

Charles. Nothine; except that the tailor wants his pay for that 
last suit of clothes he made for him. He says Joshua never paid a 
i)enny on them, 

Susan. He didn't! 

Susan knocks Joshua's chair over, and dulls his hair; business of 

getting up, ' s 

Charles, Susan, stop 1 

Susan* Well, what do you want ? 



S4 CAPTUIiJEBj Oil, TUB OLD 31 AID'S TRIUMPH* 

Charles. I want you and Joshua to f^liako, liaiiils, and promise to 
be friends in the future. Do tiiis, and liere is a weddin.c^- i;ift of five 
thousand dollars. {shows check 

Susan. You're only .iol<in£;' I 

Charles. Indeed, no! Here is the check. 

Susan. But, brother, I'm afraid I'm robbing you ! {takinrj tliQ 
check) Can you get alons Avithout this? 

Charles. Very^comfortably, if you will promise not to quarrel, iu 
the future. 

Susan. "Well, I won't, brother; I promise you. 

Joshua. Xo more will I ! 

Susan. Joshua ! 

Joshua. Susie ! (they embrace 

Charlds. That's more like it I And, now, sister— Mrs. Pratt, I 
mean— since all little diflerences are settled, can't we call in some of 
tlie neiglibors, and have a nice social party and a dance ? 

Jane. Oh, yes ! Let us have a dance, by all means! 

Susan. I'm afraid they'll have my floor all tracked over with their 
inuddy shoes. 

Joshua. Well, if they do I'll scrub it up myself. 

Susan, "Well, it's been so long since I danced last, that I'm afraid 
my feet will give out. 

Omnes. Oii, no they won't! 

Srtsan. I'll try it, anyhow? i'joes to door in "R. v., and calls) 
Come here, you Jane, and fetch them chaps along with you, "NVe're 
a going to have a dance : 

Charles. Let's clear the room I 

{they set aside table and furniturQ 

Enter, Sallie, Jane, and country lads and lassesj vwsic, 

Susan. (D. in k, r.) Let her go I {music and lively dance; darind, 
dance, she cries out) Christopher Columbus, what fun I Thh is better 



C|UI£5 CUETAIN. 



7ES, WE THINK IT WILL PLEASE VOV, 
THIS NEW DRAMA ENTITLED 

Hrac; the Pnnr 



Hduse G-irlT 



It will please your audience at least if it i3 presented well. The character of BRACr 
i3 Tery much like "FANCIION THE CRICKET,"-is replete with 

RICH AND SPARKLING DIALOGUE. 

FUNNY AND TELLING SITUATIONS, 
DARE-DEVIL EXPLOITS, ETC., 

and worthy the best talents of the best ladies. The beauty of the play is, that it is 
entirely original, the acts and scones not being found in a dozen other plays, but 
only this one. The leading man, Bob Wilder, is a gentleman of leisure, who be 
comes smitten with Brae, and in order to play the part, should be able to sing and 
perhaps dance too — although it is not positively necessary. There is a very funny 
old maid's part, which if played well vvill certainly "bring down the house." 

All the other characters 3 males, 2 females, are telling ones. To please the average 
audience of to-day, a play must be selected witli a nice construction of sentiment and 
mirth. This play fills the requirements we believe. 

Send for specimen copy and see if it is not just what you want. 

Time of playing 2 hours. Price 15 cents 

NO CHARGE IS MADE FOR ITS USE-PERFORMANCE FREE. 

:NEW MILITARY DEAMA! 

THE CDNFEnERilTE SPY. 

BY ELLSWORTH STEEDMAN. 

SEND 15 CENTS FOR SAMPLE COP'/. 

If you want broad fun! fun that will make you laugh 
and snort! fairly get up and howl and hold 

your sides! — buy a copy of 
BERT RICHARD'S FARCE-COMEDY, ENTITLED 

r. UFIIl'S ^ r. ilFEHS - 

A ttend to this at or.ce and live longer and happier. Pricel5o 



HAL HfiZARD; OR, THE FEDERAL SPY. 

A Military Drama of the late war of the Rebellion, in four acts, 
BY FRE D. G. AN DREWS- 

This drama is a great success, and is publislied now for the first time, from th« 
author's origina manuscript. There has been a demiind for a play wh ch could bo 
used by Grand Army Posts, Military Companies, etc.. which would be etiective, end 
yet not difficult to represent. This want Hal Hazard will supply. 

It h;is eijjht male characters and three female. A few sddiers both U. S. and C. 
S., may be used, but there is no o^aborato drills or difficult stage business to try the 
patience of the manager. It takes from 1% to 2 hours to present it. 

Thel ading character is a double one— "George Clarendon," who assumes the char- 
ter of "Old Hal" a very deaf anl shrewd old man, who is equall.v at home in the 
Confederate or Federal Camp. As the Spy he is always on hand at the proper time, 
and always comes oui ahead in all places where h s services arc needed. The other 
characters are all good, consisting of a captain and lieutenant in the U. S. Army, 
and four Confederates. Generals Sherman, Stoneman and Garrard are represented, 
but may be omitted if desired. There is also an excellent Leading Lady, Old Wo- 
man and Negro Comedy \Voman. 

Tho.'^e who order and produce this play will be more than pleased.— Price 2oc, 

"Simply Immense!" is the verdict of every company which produces it, and every one 

who reads ill Two hours of continual screams of laughter!! 'Ike funniest 

of all modern comedies, entitled. 



AN 



9 
OK, A I>OCTOK WITHOLT A DBPi^OMA, 

B Y MALCOLM S. 2 A YL OR. 

There is always a demand for a Play wliich is funny, and wr'tten in such a wac^ as 
to be easily represented as regards scenery, and not to difficult in its repre.-^eiitation. 
This Comedy will be found all that is desir(^»l. The following is a detcriplion of the 
characters: . . , . , 

C. Crotchet, « retired merchant, sic!: tntlie spleen. 

B. Frizzy, l harberadilicted to punning and scrapes. 

Dr. G, Linton, a practical physician, troubled with patients. 

L. Staple, a young merchant, subject to bashfnlness, 

Claren'-e, a student, inclined to ale. 

John Henry, a manservant coin plaining of nothingto do. 

1. Seizer, « constable, used to talce away bad effects, 

Mrs. Crotchet an invalid, ill with nervousness. 

Daisy, her daughter, | loth affected with a diseaseof the heart, called love. 

Dolly, her neice j ^. , . , , , ... , „ , 

Doro by, a maiden aunt, afriicled with deafness, Icvtttmg, and a poodle dog. 

JJgttv, a maid servant, suffering out of sympathy for Frizzy, 

Each one of the above c'.iaraeters is worthy the talent of the best comedy repre- 
Brnt itives, either in or out of the Profession. Amateurs especially will 6nd the Play 
eminently suited to their wants. It is in four acts, each aet consisting of only one 
scene. The costumes modern, and scenes all nteriors, enabling companies with .t, 
limited stock of seen ry to prodtice it easily. Nothing like a description of the luili- 
crous and laughnble situations can be given here— but we can truly assure our friends 
that nearly every speech is a signal for mars of laughter and rounds of appl.iuse. If 
you want something pathetic don't send for it, but if you desire fun from tho rise of 
the curtain on the tirst act, till its fall on the last act, you may be sure of not beiuar 
di appointed if you order this. Price 15 cents per copy. 

'a T TT7 K \7C^ rW TU 17 S ^STI RED, WHITE AND GREEN 
A WAYS^^^ in III TABLEAU LIGHTS. Wo are now put- 
jO-l-J V V XX. X K_.' ^jpg „p Q^jr lights in tin bo.xes, expressly to go by mail— eadi 
box cont.ains enough material for one light, with a fuse for lighting, and full and cx- 
pli-it directions for burning them. These lights are not excelled by any for brilliancy 
—they burn s endi^y and slowly— they do not contain a partical of sulphur, and av« 
free fioin oitensive odors, and are sure to give perfect satisfaction. 

«3)" Do not ruin your tableaux by an inferior light when it is so easy to procure 
good onr*. Price '25 cents per box. 

Order* filled by return mail for either color. Address. 

A. D. AMES, PUB., 

tocK Box lOa. CLYDE, OHIO- 



The only Play published on the sub 
jectoi Rflormonism. 




A Drama in a Prologue and four Acts, 

BY — 

B. W. nOI.I.E]VBECK, M. ». 

Author of "After Ten Years; or, The Maniac TFi/e." 

The following are tlio characters represented in the Prologue: 

JEPTHA MARVVOOD A Mormon Eldar. 

JAMES DAY The Husband. 

JABKZ BLian ^ A Friend to Day. 

PETE „ - A colored tervanl. 

MRS. DAY , W< of Day. 

DOB-A DAY [tenyeaii^o/aoe] Daughter of Day. 



A period of eight years ia aupposed to h;ive elapsed between the Prologue 
and Act First. 

CHARACTERS IN THE DRAMA. 

JBPTnA MARVVOOD A Mormon Elder. 

JAMES DAY Ue Wronued Uuthand. 

OBADIAH UORIIAM A "destroying Anpel." 

OSCAR DURAND "A young Gentile." 

JABEZ BLIUII A frieyid to Day. 

BARNABAS GRUMP A Yniikee. 

PETE A colored servant. 

MRS. DAY Wife of Ihiy. 

DORA DAY [eighteen yeart old] Daughter of Day. 

JULIA EDWARDS Mn. Ma,-wood the seventh. 

LUCY STONE " " " eleventh. 

It l8 quite impossible to grive a Pafls'sctory synopsis of this play. It is 
ti'tally diflereui from anything lieretofoio published. The characters are 
most successfully represented by tlie author, the methods of obtaining con- 
verts to the Mormon faith, the wiles, machinations, etc., practiced by the 
Mormon Elders are shown so faithfully, and the terrible abuse heaiied upon 
the women when once within the walls of "The New Zion" are so well depict- 
ed that the Play must be read to be understood and appreciated. Zion as a 
drama, is an exceedingly strong one— every character being excellent.— It 
has leading, heavies, juvenile, comedies in thu male characters, and leading, 
ruvenil and utility ladies. The character of the Mormon Elder, James 
Day, and Mrs. Day the wronged wife who becomes a maniac, are very fine, 
reouiring good talent for their rendition. The comedy portions will nicely 
balance the otherx. and c.<mpan 83 will find it an excellent acting play— and 
so far as scenery is concerned easily put on the stage. Price 15c. per copy. 



HE W MILITABY ALLEGQ SY! 

SPY DF ATLANTJI 

A Grand Military Allegory in 6 acts, by A. D. Ames and C. G. Bartley, 14 male, 3 
female characters, with as many supermimerary ladies and gents as the stage may 
afford room for. This great play is founded ou incidents which actually occured dur- 
ing the war of the E.ebcllion— it introduces Ohio's brave and gallant McPherson— the 
actnal mannner of his capture and death i.? shown. It abounds with most beautifnl 
tableaux, drill, marches, scenes upon the battle licld. in Andersonville, etc., and is 
pronounced by press and public, the most successful military play ever produced. _G. 
A. II. Posts, Military Companies and other organizations, who may wish gomething 
which will draw, should produce it. It may not bo out of place to add that this play 
with the incidents of the death of the gallant ilcPherson, was written with the full 
consent of the General's brother, R. 15. McPherson, since dead, who fully approved 
of it. 

PRICE 25 CENTS PER COPY. 



HAL HAZARD; OR, THE FEDERAL SPY. 

A MILITARY DRAMA OF THE LAIE WAR OF THE REBELLION, 

IN FOUR ACTS. 

BY ERED. G. ANDREWS. 

This drama is a great success, and is published now for the first time, from tho 
author's original manuscript. There has been a demand for a play which could bo 
used by Grjnnd Army Posts, JMilitary Companies, etc, which would be effective, and 
yet not difiicult to represent. This want, Ilal Hazard will supply. 

It has eight male characters and three female. A few soldiers both U. S. and C. 
G., may be used, but there is no elaborate drills or diftieult stage business to try the 
patience of the manager. It takes from \% to 2 hours to present it. 

Tho leading ch;iraeter is a double one — "(ieorge Clarannon," who assumes tho 
character of "Old Hal " a very diaf and shrewd old man, who is equally at home in 
the Confederate or Federal Camp. As tho Spy he is always on hand at tho proper 
time, and always comes ut ahead in all places where his services are needed. The 
other characters are all good consisting of a captain and lieutenant in the U. S. Army, 
and may be omitted if desired. There is also an excellent Leading Lady, Old Wo- 
man and Neirro Comedy Woman. 

Those who order and produce this play will be more than pleased.— Price 25o. 



An entirely original Allegorical Drama of the civil war in 
the United States, entitled, 

THE DUTCH HECHUIT; 

OR, 

THE BLUE AND GREY. 

BY J. T. VIEGAED. 



All rights to this popular drama have been purchased of it's author, and it ia now 
published in book form complete for the first time. It was produced season after 
season by th" original proprietor with unbounded success, and was the means of re- 
plenishing many G. A. R. treasuries, which were nmning low. 

It will he found easy to put upon the stai:e, full of thrilling and startling situa- 
tions, hair breadth escapes, military movements, prison scenes, scenes full of pathos 
and tears, others in which the Dutchman and Irishman will convulse the listeners 
with laughter. Every character is good, being strongly drawn, and worthy the talent 
of the best actors. Price 25 cents per copy. 



PUBLISHED FROM THE AUTHOli'S OBiaiNAL 
MANUSCBIFT. 



An entirely original Allegorical Drama of tlie civil war in 
the United States, entitled, 

THE DUTOH RECRUIT; 

on, 

THE BLUE AND GREY. 



BY J. T. YIEGABD. 

All rights to thU popular drama liave been purchased of its author, audit ia now 
published in book form complete for the first time. It was produced season after 
season by the original jiroprietor with uubounded success, and was the means of rc- 
lilenishing many G. A. K. treasuries, whicli were running; low. 

The following arc the characters represented: 

Deitrioh Vonderspeck The Dutch llccru.il 

Col. St. Leon a loyal Southerner 

Harry Pearson a Union Spv 

J'Vank Duncan The Guerrilla Chieftain 

John Ilarker St. Leon's Overseer, aftcrwarda a Guerrilla 

Charles White .". Harry's friend, a UnionSpv 

Teddy O'Connor a son of the OldSod 

General Commanding U.S. Forces 

Col. Franklin of the U. S. Army 

UucleNod an Octopennrian 

General Commanding G. S.Forcea 

Sam one of the Bones of Contention 

Alex Burt yl Lieutenant of Guerrillaf 

Prisoner at Belle lsl» 

Maude St. Leon , a loyal lady, daughter of St. Leon 

Mrs. St. Leon wife of the Colonel 

Goddess of Liberty, Officers U. S. A. Officers C. S. A. Citizens, Soldiera, Bush- 
whackers, Prisoners, etc., etc. 

It will be found easy to put upon the stage, fiiU of thi-illing and startling situa- 
tious, hairbreadth escapes, military movements, prison scenes, scenes full of pathos 
and tears, others in which the Dutchman and Irishman will convulse the listeners 
with laughter. Every character is good, being strongly drawn, and worthy the talent 
of the best actors. 

;8®" The publisher has purchased all rights in this grand Military Play and al- 
though at a high price, has determined to place it at the disposal of every G. A. R. 
Post, S. of V. Camp, and in fact any organization who may wish to_ produce it. 
Therefore, bear in mind, there is no royalty on it— all can produce it who may 
wish to do so free of charge, 

Jp" It is printed from new type on good paper— substantially bound in pap^r 
binding. 

PRICE 25 CENTS PER COPY. 



Temperance Cantata for the 
Ones! 




IDA M. BUX TPy. 

This Cantata supplies a ivont long folt, Nearly all published are either too long, 
or frcni the ditRcult music, or complex stage business quite beyond the reach of the 
penoral juvenilo companies. This one was written especially to obviate all these 
difficulties, and itt once give to those desiring, a taking and effective piece. 

It is dcsigjed i'or Juvenile Temples, Sabbath Sc'.ools, etc., end requires only a 
platform, no scenery being necessary for ts prodr.ction. 

The words are all set to old air.-', familiar to every one. The stage directions ara 
plainly given, I'.ud uo diflculty will bo experienced in preparing it for public presen- 
tation. 

The following are the characters represented. 

•Dressed in a suit of Eed, White and 



•III ragged clotiies. 



UNCLE SAM. 

Blue. 
DRUNKABU S DAUGHTER. 
DEBORAH.— ^\\o leads tlie chorus of girls. 
CAPT. PROI/IBTTION—Wlio loads the chorisof boys 
BROTHER. 
SISTER. 
FOUR GIRLS, dressed iu white, reprcsentiug Maine, 

Kansas, Iowa and Rhode Island — the latter being a 

small girl. Each one carries a shield with the name 

of her state. 
VHORUS OF BOYS. 
<JHORUS OF GIRLS. 
The Choruses may consist of any number convenient. 

I'lcaso order a sample copy, look it over carefully p.nd sec it docs not please you 
PRICE 25 CENTS PER COPY- 



JJ Lg 

limes' Plays — CnntiiiuBii. 



72 
19 
42 

18,-i 
22U 
148 
218 
224 
2;i3 
164 
184 
209 
13 
66 
116 
120 
103 

50 

140 

74 

35 

47 

95 

11 

99 

82 

182 

127 

228 

106 

139 

231 

235 

69 

1 

158 

23 

208 

212 

32 

186 

44 

33 

67 

217 

165 

195 

. 159 

•171 

180 

48 

138 

115 

65 

232 

137 

40 

38 

131 

101 

167 

68 

54 

&1- 



FARCES CONTINUED. 

Deuce is in Him B 1 

Did 1 Dream it 4 8 

Domestic Felicity 1 1 

Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

D. itchy vs. Nigger 3 

Eh? What Did You Say 3 1 

Everybody Astonished 4 

Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 

Freezing a Mother-in-Law... 2 1 

Fun in a Post Office 4 2 

Family Discipline 1 

Goose with the Golden Eggs.. 5 3 

Give Me Mv Wife 3 3 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 1 

Hash 4 2 

H. M. S. Plum 1 1 

How Sister Paxey got her 

Child Baptiz d 2 1 

How Slie has Own Way 1 3 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 1 

How to Tame iM-in-Law 4 2 

How Stout Vour Getting 5 2 

In the Wrong Box 3 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

John Smith 5 3 

Jumbo Jum »«.. ~ 4 3 

Killing Time 1 1 

Kittle'- Wedding Cake....„ 1 3 

Lick Skillet Wedding 2 2 

L uderbach's Little Surprise 3 

Lodgings for Two 3 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 1 

Match lor a Mother-in-Law.. 2 2 

More Blanders than one 4 3 

Mother's Fool 6 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Pringle 7 4 

Mr. Hudson's Tiger Hunt 1 1 

My Heart's in Highlands 4 3 

S y Precious Betsey 4 4 

My Turn Next 4 3 

M . Wife's Rehitions 4 4 

My Day and Now-arDays 1 

Obedience 1 2 

On the Sly 3 2 

Paddy Miles' Boy 5 2 

Patent Washing Machine 4 1 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 

Poor Pilicody 2 3 

Quiet Family 4 4 

Rough Diamond 4 3 

Ripples 2 

Scniiaps 1 1 

Sewing Circle of P riod 5 

S. H. A. M. Pinafore 3 3 

Somebody's Nobody 3 2 

Stage Struck Yankee 4 2 

Taking the Census 1 1 

Th;it Mysterious B'dle 2 2 

Tiie Bewitched Closet 6 2 

The Cigarette 4 2 

The Coming Man 3 1 

Turn Him Out 3 2 

The Sham Prof -ssor 4 

The Two T. J's 4 2 



28 

142 
213 
151 
5 
56 
70 
135 
147 
155 

111 
157 

204 

15 

172 

98 

222 

214 

145 

190 

27 

230 

163 

24 

236 

77 

88 

128 

90 

61 

2S4 

150 

109 

134 

177 

90 

107 

m 

179 
94 
26 
92 
10 
61 
122 
lis 
6 
108 
4 
197 
198 
170 
216 
206 
210 
203 
205 
156 



17 
l.iO 



Thirty-three Next Birthday. 4 2 

Tit for Tat 2 1 

Vermont Wool Dealer «.. 5 3 

Wanted a Husimnd „ 2 1 

Wnen Women ^Veep _ 3 2 

'Wooing Under Diffioalti*:).... 5 3 

Whicu will ne Marry 2 8 

Widower's Trials....„...._ __ 4 5 

Waking Him Up 1 2 

Why they Joined the Re- 
beccas „ „ 4 

Yankee Duelist -„....... 3 1 

Ytt kee Peddler 7 3 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

Academy of Stars „.,... 6 

An Unhappy Pair 1 1 

Black Shoemaker 4 2 

Bhick Statue „... 4 2 

Colored Senators 3 

Chops „„..., 3 

Cuflf's Luck 2 1 

Crimps Trip 5 

Fetter Lane to Gravesend 2 

Hamlet the Dainty 6 1 

lluuuted House 2 

Handy Andy „„ 2 

Hyimcliondriac "The 2 

Joe's Vis t «..,« 2 

Mischievous Nigger 4 

Musical D.irkey 2 

No Cure No Pay 3 

Not as Deaf as He Seens 3 

Old Dad's Cabin 2 

Old Pompey 1 

Other People's Children.......™ 3 

Pomp's Pranks _ 2 

Quarrelsome Servants 3 

Rooms to Let _._ 2 

School „ „ 5 

Seeing Bosting.__...._ „„ 3 

Sham Doctor „. 3 

16.000 Years Ago 3 

Sport with a Sportsman.......,- 2 

Stage Struck Darkey ...2 

Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 

That Bov Sam 3 

The Select School 5 



The Popcorn Man 

The Studio 

Those Awful Boyg 

Twain's Dodging., 

Tricks 

Uncle Jelf„..._..._.., 



U. S. Mail 2 

Vice Versa „.. 3 

Villkens and Dinah _ 4 

Virginia .Mun my 6 

Who Stole th» Chiokani....... 1 

M'illiaui Tell.... 4 

Wig-Maker and HisSerrantaS 

GUIDE BOOKS. 
Hints on Elocution..........^.. 

Hvnts to Amaleurt - , 



CANTATA. 215 On to Victory (with chorus) 25 cents 4 6 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

lilliilllil 

016 102 300 



^ NEVil FLAYS ^ 

RteCEntly Issue dT 

);- ;;; . -. ; ^ ■ 

235/ JH^i«e Blund'e'^s than One. A farce in one act, by Thos. G. Rod well, 
6 malejp 3 faiiQales. •-■A-mps,|,eXceIleiit farce containing a first-class Irish part. Cos- 
tumes ipodern. Ti^e-y minutes. 

236 The Hypocliondriac. An Ethiopian farce in 1 act, by Griffin. Two 
males, Costumes moilern. Can be played with white faces if deemed advisable. 
Time about 15 minjitCiS; ' 

237 rNot Sncli aPool as He Looks. A farcical-drama in 3 acts, by H. 
J. Byron, 5 males, •> females. Costumes modern. Time 2 hours. One of Byron's 
very best, which will not fail to please an audience. 

238 Straiwberry Shortcake. An amusing Negro sketcli in one scene, by 
Wesley. T. ilunter, for two female ehtiraeters. Time 20 minutes. Costumes moJeru. 
The tricks the two parties play on each other will be found very funny. 

239 A Scale with Sharps and Flats. Musical Comedy in one act, by 
F.L. Cutler, Smile, 2 female -1 Costumes modern. Time of playing, 1 hour. This 
little Play^'isTvritten in^Mr. Cutler's usually hapiiy vein, is full of concentrated fun. 

840 - Two Thousand Dollars Reward. A change-act-eomedy iu 1 act, 
by^ F. L, Cutler. Two male characters. Both are detectives and each takes the 
other for a criminal they arc in search of. Their mistakes and situations are very 
funny. Time 35 minutss. 

!241 Struck by liightning;. A farce by F. A. Cutler, 2 males, 2 females. 
A 'lightning rod agent, boiug in love with a liaudsome girl, sets out to talk the par- 
ents iuto giving their consent to the wedding. Hence they are struck hy lirjlitnuin. 
Very amiu-,iug. Time of playing 20 minutes. 

242 The Dutch Recruit? or The Blue and Grey. An Allegorical 
brama, of the Civil war of 18)1, '6:i in 5 acts, by .T. T. Viogard. This is one of the 
stj-ongegt military plays ever written. It lins many strong characters— among them 
some e:scellent comedy. Time of performance about :! hours. It will be found easy 
ta pat upon the stage, f nil of thrilling and startling situations, hail breailth escapes, 
iinlifary movements, prison scenes full of pitlms and tears, others in which the 
D'ut^hman an I Irishman wid convulse the list iiers with laughter. Every character 
is gp 'd, being strouih- drawn, and worthy the talent of the best actors. 

ij!2" The pabl'sli t h;is pur ha ed all rights in this grand Military Play and al- 
though at a. hiV'i t'r '■ 5. his dmcrmincd to place it at the disposal of everj- G. A. R. 
Post, S, of \*. Cuiii't>. mid iu f.i -t any organization which may wish to produce it. There- 
fore buar.in mind, there i^ nn royalty on it— all can produee it who may wish to do so 

(J .!^43 Sports on a Lark. An Ethiopian Interlude in 1 act, by Griffin, .S 

" male ciiaruct.'rs. Costumes seely, etc. Scene, a wood. Time 20 minutes. 

'244 Old Clothes. A negro farce in 1 act, 3 male characters. Costumes to 
suit; Scene, office of a hotel. Tiiey get into a big row— say and do many funny 
things. Time lo minutes. 

245 The Ticket Taker; or the Masquerade Ball. An Ethopim 
farce in 1 act, bv Griffin, 3 m ile characters. Tnis farce can also be played with 
white facci. .\lways-w.ell recuive I and will plea-ie. Time lo aainutes. 

246 Othello. A Negro Burlesque on the immo.tal tragedy, 4 males 1 female. 
Bur esqueC'ostumes. Scene, i)lain room. Time 2) minutes. A vast deal of s|i«>i-t in 
the pie.e. 

2'47 Incompatibility of Temper. A farce in one act, by W. E. Suter, 
Modern Costumes. Very e:i-,ily ae ed and iiut on thestage. Time 3) minutes. _ 1 in- 
ter. or scene. 1 comedian and 2 walking ladios. A married couple who do not ilisi)lay 
the bo'St temper toward* eich other, are pjaeilied yb the good serviees of a lady 
friend. 

248 Captured! or the Old Maid's Triumph. An uproarously funny 
comedy in 4 acts, bv Wni- L. Back, Esii Th.' name quite well describes the play in 
a nu'tsiiell. (> males 4 females. C:istuines n; > lern. Time of performance, \% hours. 
An old maid is determhied to m;u-ry some one not so particular who, but finally one 
partv s;ic>^umb(- Toe scene mu this c-mnody are very rich and funny, and not to be 
3(>so :'"•■! n . -hort n >■ ice like this. Or>le.- a copv an 1 see foi- yoiuvel f what it .s like. 



